A Collection Of Army.ca Humour - including SKIPPY'S DAMN LIST AGAIN!!

[atticus]

Doesn't your joke go against the rules of conduct?
# You will not post any information that is offensive, defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, obscene, profane, sexually oriented, threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, or otherwise violative of any law.

http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/24937.0.html

 

[Pte. Bloggins]

A private is standing at an aquarium. An officer says to him:
"What are you doing?"
"Sir, I am experimenting on superiority of higher mind over lower. See, I look straight at the fish, then I point my eyes to the right- they swim to the right. I point to the left- they swim to the left."
"Go wait outside for a moment"
Several hours passed, and the officer was still inside. Finally the private dares to look in, and finds the officer opening and closing his mouth monotonically.
;D

Here's some other great ones I've found...

A 2LT was walking home from work one day, when he noticed a little boy sitting on the sidewalk.
The little boy was playing with a pile of ****. Curious, the 2LT walked over to the little boy and asked him "Why are you playing with a pile of ****?" The little boy replied "I'm building an NCO". The 2LT, amused by this, ran back to the company to get his captain. Upon returning to the little boy, who was still playing with the pile of ****, the Captain asked "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy looked up at him and said " I'm building an NCO". The captain being equally amused insisted that they return and get the CO. When the three returned the little boy, still playing with his pile of ****, was asked by the CO "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy again replied "I'm building and NCO". "Why are you building an NCO?" asked the CO. The little boy paused and responded "Because I don't have enough **** to build an officer"

(My apologies, nothing against officers, just found these to be funny)

40 Ways to prepare yourself for an operational deployment

1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.
2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.
3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."
4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet, everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper, or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's, choosing a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.
5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.
6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.
8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.
10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.
12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.
14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.
15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.
16. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and then put them back together again.
17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.
18. Invite at least 185 people you do not really like because of their strange hygiene habits, to come and visit for a couple of months, exchange clothes with them.
19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your nightstand and bring it to the bathroom with you, also bring your gun and a flashlight.
22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case," every time!
23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."
24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you do not know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.
25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.
26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it is for Malaria.
27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.
28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.
29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.
30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect it for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.
31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a. m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.
32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.
33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.
34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.
35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.
36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.
37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.
38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.
39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they will not get cold/ hot.
40. Just when you think you are ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you will support.

And don't forget. Don't drink or have sex for the next year...






HOW TO SIMULATE CANADIAN ARMY LIFE
Want to be a soldier, but really don't want to commit precious years of your life? Here are some easy ways to simulate exactly what it's like to be a Canadian soldier!

FIELD LIFE
Surround yourself with people who smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a teamster blush.

Pack three days worth of clothes and toiletries. Live in your backyard for two weeks. Go into the house only once in that two weeks to shower.

Dig a hole in your back yard and live in it. Allow no direct contact with your family. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbours have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.

Every two days, fill in the hole, move to another part of the yard and dig another hole. Every time you are approximately half-way through digging the hole, have somebody come buy, compliment you on the fine hole you've dug and tell you to fill it in and dig it somewhere else.

Always dig a hole next to the hole you're living in. This is your toilet. Re-dig the hole every time your move your living hole. Fill in the old hole and it with a "Foul Ground" sign. Have somebody remove the sign while you're not looking.

Collect a jar-full of ants, dirt, various bugs and mosquitos. Pour them down the back of your shirt.
Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your back yard and wait two weeks before eating them.

If it doesn't rain, turn on the sprinklers.

If you're incredibly tired and fed-up one night, stand guard duty in your hole from 3 a.m. to 6 a.m. Don't sleep at all that day.

Sleep for only twenty minutes at a time. No matter how tired you are.

Cook your meals over sterno. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Leave to sit and turn ice cold. Eat everything in three minutes. After eating, run two kilometers.

Buy two rolls of toilet paper. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.

Run around your yard, periodically throwing yourself to the ground and crawling for at least 20 meters -- or smack your shins, knees and elbows with a hammer.

For two days in a row, walk 10 kilometers without stopping. Wear a back pack with fifty-five pounds of weight in it. Bitch and whine the whole way.

When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.

Have one meal a week served to you floating in it's own grease in a large cooler or similar insulated container. Serve coffee, juice and other beverages the same way.

GARRISON LIFE

Surround yourself with people who smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a teamster blush.

Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.

Ask for equipment or articles of clothing you really need, have somebody tell you that you're not entitled to it. Walk away.

Have your spouse whine about how you're always on deployment.

Whenever you're bored, get drunk. Be bored often.

Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart, clean it and put it back together.

Start a project, any project. Have somebody continually stop by and make stupid suggestions to make the job "easier". Say "yes sir" and do
it the way they told you to do it. After they leave, go back to doing it the right way.

Repaint your vehicle every month, whether it needs it or not.

Move every two years. Whether you want to or not. When you get to a place you really hate, stay there for fifteen years.

Replace all your appliances and furniture with those which are outdated, in need of constant repair or dangerous to use. Do more with them than you would if they were new.

If you have nothing to do, clean something that doesn't need cleaning.

PEACEKEEPING

Surround yourself with people who smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a teamster blush.

Have two neighbours start a fight. Get in between them and have them hit you instead of each other.

After the neighbours have hit you several times have them calm down. Have another, much larger person, pretend to be your ally and piss the neighbours off again (by pretending to bomb their houses and basically bully them around) and start them fighting. Repeat the above.

Ask the "feuding" neighbours to throw rocks at you and call you names every time they see you, because of what the larger person did to their homes.

Bring the neighbours medical supplies, food and blankets. Have them slam the door in your face without saying thank you, because the much larger person bombed their houses. Get some of them to say thank you, have the much larger person tell you to never bring them that stuff again.

TRAINING ENVIRONMENT

Surround yourself with people who smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a teamster blush.

Run. Run a lot. Once in the morning, once at noon and once before supper. Run at least five kilometers each time, singing inane songs and pretending you really want to do this.

Stand to attention in a parking lot in the hot sun for five hours, or until you pass out and fall face first into the asphalt. Have somebody yell at you the entire time. Have this same person nitpick at you incessantly and then fine you $50.00 and confine you to your room for a week, coming out only to go tot he bathroom, shower, or eat.

Have somebody yell at you every time you're stupid enough go outside without a hat on, slouch, or put your hands in your pockets.

Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep shearer.

Give yourself twenty minutes less than you need for lunch. Eat so fast you don't taste the food.

Buy a gas mask and wear it for two hours every day. Run around the yard, while you're wearing it. Do push-ups in it until you pass out. Fill the mask with pepper spray and recite your Social Insurance Number BACKWARDS, have somebody yell, "Wrong. Do it again!" and repeat this process four times before removing the mask and puking your guts out.

Clean and shine everything to perfection. Have somebody yell at you and call you a filthy pig. Pretend to clean and shine everything to perfection again (changing nothing), have the same person inspect it and say "good turnout".

INTERACTION WITH CIVILIANS

Leave the people behind who smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a teamster blush.

When around civilians ensure to smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a teamster blush.

Whenever civilians say or do anything stupid (it happens a lot) shake your head and mutter in your most contemptuous/condescending voice; "f*@kin' civvies".

Use copious amounts of acronyms, NEVER explain them. When asked to explain shake your head and mutter in your most contemptuous/condescending voice; "f*@kin' civvies".

Have other people say stupid things to you like: "you don't pay taxes, do you?", "you get free housing", "man, you must get paid a lot".

Shake your head and mutter in your most contemptuous/condescending voice; "f*@kin' civvies".

Demand that everyone never thank you for anything you do for them, look at you in a condescending manner and call you names like "G.I. Joe", and "soldier boy". Shake your head and mutter in your most contemptuous/condescending voice; "f*@kin' civvies".

By the way, here's a whole thread on jokes:
http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/25346.0.html

These are funny too...
Jokes
http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/22669.0.html

Light Bulbs
http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/4094.0.html

You know the army's getting to your brain when...
http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/1290.0.html


Happy reading, to all that have never seen those before.  

 

[Korus]

A private is standing at an aquarium. An officer says to him:
"What are you doing?"
"Sir, I am experimenting on superiority of higher mind over lower. See, I look straight at the fish, then I point my eyes to the right- they swim to the right. I point to the left- they swim to the left."
"Go wait outside for a moment"
Several hours passed, and the officer was still inside. Finally the private dares to look in, and finds the officer opening and closing his mouth monotonically.

HAH! that one is priceless! So I told that to an officer buddy of mine..

He didn't get it.

 

[ouyin2000]

Murphy's war laws

Friendly fire - isn't.

Recoilless rifles - aren't.

Suppressive fires - won't.

You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.

If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
when they're ready.
when you're not.

No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.

There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

Five second fuses always burn three seconds.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

The Ol' Ranger's addendum:

Or else they're trying to suck you into a serious ambush!

The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.

The easy way is always mined.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be
known as bomb magnets.

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.

Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.

Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)

Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.

Tracers work both ways.

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to
take.

When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.

Weather ain't neutral.

If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed toward you.

Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.

'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.

The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

Napalm is an area support weapon.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.

Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The one item you need is always in short supply.

Interchangeable parts aren't.

It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.

When in doubt, empty your magazine.

The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.

The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.

Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.

Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.

The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.

One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.

A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.

Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.

The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.

The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.

Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.

If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)

Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.

When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always
illegible.

Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.

The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for
certain what they don't want.

To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.

The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.

The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.

When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.

The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.

A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

Murphy was a grunt.

Beer Math: 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.

Body count Math: 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.

The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.

All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.

The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.

The crucial round is a dud.

Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.

There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.

Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.

If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.

If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.

Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.

Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.

The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.

The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his
deviousness and mischievousness).

There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.

Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.

The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.

Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away,
and your canteen always lands at your feet.

As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.

Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.

Walking point = sniper bait.

Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.

If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.

No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.

The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.

There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.

If see you, so can the enemy.

All or any of the above combined.

Avoid loud noises, there are few silent killers in a combat zone.

Never screw over a buddy; you'll never know when he could save your life.

Never expect any rations; the only rations that will be on time and won't be short is the ration ofshit.

Respect all religions in a combat zone, take no chances on where you may go if killed.

A half filled canteens a beacon for a full loaded enemy weapon.

When in a fire fight, kill as many as you can, the one you miss may not miss tomorrow.

The last six laws were sent by Hank Samples. A Viet Nam combat veteran (70-72) 11th ACR-101st Abn.

It is a physical impossibility to carry too much ammo.

If you survive an ambush, something's wrong.

Some General last words (as his aides tried to get him to get his head down):
"What! what! men, dodging this way for single bullets! What will you do when they open fire along the whole line? I am ashamed of you. They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance."

The General was General John Sedgwick, said on May 9, 1864 at the Battle of Spotsylvania.

If you can see the flashes from the enemies' guns in battle, he can see yours too.

Flashlights, lighters and matches don't just illuminate the surrounding area; they illuminate you too.

Just because you have nearly impenetrable body armor and a hard-ass Kevlar helmet, doesn't mean you don't have exposed areas.

There are few times when the enemy can't hear you: When he's dead, you're dead, or both.
Addendum: When he's not there, when you're not there, or both.

Never cover a dead body with your own in hopes of looking like you're one of the casualties. Even using
his cadaver is a stretch to avoid being shot "just in case."

You're only better than your enemy if you kill him first.

The last seven laws were sent by Charlie.

Complain about the rations all you want, but just remember; they could very well be your last meal.

Never underestimate the ability of the brass to foul things up.

You have two mortal enemies in combat; the opposing side and your own rear services.

You think the enemy has better artillery support and the enemy thinks yours is better; you're both right.

Three things you will never see in combat; hot chow, hot showers, and an uninterrupted night's sleep.

"Live" and "Hero" are mutually exclusive terms.

Don't be a hero

Once you are in the fight it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.

NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition that the other guy.

Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover for you.

Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.

Sometimes, being good and lucky still is not enough.

If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.

If you are wearing body armor they will probably miss that part.

Happiness is a belt fed weapon.

Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative...

If you are allergic to lead it is best to avoid a war zone.

Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations which, in turn, are better than cold C-rations, which are
better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls even if they do have
little pieces of fish in them.

A free fire zone has nothing to do with economics.

Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.

Being shot hurts.

Thousands of Veterans earned medals for bravery every day. A few were even awarded.

There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the rules.

C-4 can make a dull day fun.

There is no such thing as a fair fight -- only ones where you win or lose.

If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils. If you lose you don't care.

Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow. What is important is what
you are doing -- NOW -- to solve our problem.

Always make sure someone has a can opener.

Prayer may not help . . . but it can't hurt.

Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these, however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac even if it is, technically, a form of flying.

If everyone does not come home none of the rest of us can ever fully come home either.

Carrying any weapon that you weren't issued (e.g, an AK) in combat is Not A Good Idea!

A combat vet will know the sound of an unfamiliar weapon in an instant and will point and shoot.

Not only that, AKs use green tracers which mean "shoot 'em all and let God sort them out".

As has been noted, "Friendly fire isn't!"

When the going gets tough, the tough go cyclic.

Military Intelligence is not a contradiction in terms, "Light Infantry" is!

Proximity factor: The need for relief is directly related to the distance of the relief station.

Always keep one bullet in the chamber when changing your magazine.

In peacetime people say, "War is Hell".  In combat, under fire from artillery, airplanes, or whatever, a soldier thinks, "War is really really really LOUD as Hell!!!".

If you can think clearly, know exactly what's happening, and have total control of a situation in combat, then you're not in combat.

When you get the coveted 1,000 yard stare, don't forget about the enemy who is 30 yards away and about to pop your ass.

Stay away from officers in combat, they're clever decoys for noncoms.

If you think you don't need something for your combat load for an OP PLAN, you'll probably wish you had it after the shit hits the fan in combat.

Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

Failure of plan A will directly affect your ability to carry out plan B.

War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Lackland's Laws:
Never be first.
Never be last.
Never volunteer for anythin
An escaping soldier can be used again.

If you think you'll die, don't worry you won't.

Near death, but still a live? There is nothing wrong with physics. God doesn't like you.

It is better to be lucky than good in the battlefield.

If it's worth fighting for...it's worth fighting dirty for.

If god wanted boots to be comfortable he would have designed them like running shoes.

If you survive the extraordinary things, it will often be the little things that will kill you.

Give an order, then change the order, will get you disorder.

You never have fire support in heavy firefight but you always have it on a silent recon mission

Revision to Marine Corp. Motto "If it makes sense, we won't do it".

The only thing more dangerous to you than the enemy, is your allies

Night vision - isn't

 

[The_Falcon]

Oh jeez, well these aren't jokes just humorous military stories

you can find them all here http://www.soupsandwich.net

Jungle School

by Frank Rodgers

The Discovery Channel lies.

I'm serious. They show all those neat, cute little animals in nature and you come away thinking "How cute. They're so adorable. I just want to hug one."

Take the sloth. The Three-toed sloth. Slowest motherfucker in the world, and looks like that guy Barney from Andy Griffith. You almost feel BAD for the guy, 'cause he can't move all that fast, he has green algae growing on him, and you think some jaguar is gonna eat him for dinner, while the sloth is too slow to escape. Yeah, the poor, poor sloth...

Bull-*******-crap.

I was in Panama a couple years ago in Jungle School. In Panama, you get to see nature at its worst. You see huge-*** spiders that catch BIRDS and eat 'em. You see colorful little froggies that are cute, but make poison that'll kill a stadium full of Rosie O'Donnell's. You come across ants that will literally chew you up.

But you'd THINK that the sloth is the most harmless of them all, wouldn't you?

My buddies and I are walking from one area to another, and we see one on the ground. It thinks it's going mach-3 to get away from us, but it's taking 5 minutes to go 3 inches. The thing really looks like its moving in slow motion.

My buddy Smitty decides to have a little fun. He walks up to the sloth and barely nudges it with his boot. The sloth falls over with a sound like "UGGGGG." The sloth apparently gets scared, and drops a huge turd out of its ***, but of course its in slow motion.

Now, we're dumb-*** Rangers, so of course we laugh at this pitiful sloth laying on the ground, crapping itself. This is sport to us. Now that Smitty has an audience, and he nudges the sloth again, and again it goes "UGGGGG," and falls back over.

A Jungle School instructor happens by and sees us and our new playmate. He takes a look at Smitty and says "Don't **** with the sloth."

Yeah sure Sarn't, we'll leave him alone.

The Instructor walks away and Smitty decides to outdo himself by nudging the sloth once more, and then helping it get up on a tree limb. He moves his foot to nudge and...

SWIPE!

Wolverine berserker-style, the sloth pulls out these HUGE 4 inch claws, and quick as lightning swipes at Smitty's jungle boot.

Jungle boots are so tough, snakes can't bite through 'em, and they have metal plates underneath them incase you fall in a pungee pit. This Sloth laid WASTE to those boots. Cut 'em open to his skin, and boogied up a tree so fast, we didn't know WHAT to think. The Jungle Instructor came back and said
"Fucked with the sloth, dintcha?"

Segway* to a week later. We're doing a patrol, and set up an L-shaped ambush so that by the time the OPFOR (opposition force) gets through, so we can ambush 'em, and head out to a bar later on.

We're lying on the jungle floor, waiting like silent death. We're Rangers, we're badasses, and we OWN this motherfucker. All sorts of crap is running through my head, "Will I initiate the ambush correctly? Will the platoon see the Red Flare I shoot up to signify Cease Fire?" A myriad of thoughts, as I wait for the OPFOR to walk into our deadly jaws.

We see their point man. He's a kid, 19 years old, walking like he's John-*******-Wayne, trying to keep noise discipline down. I look down the line, and silently give the "Enemy seen" signal. I silently count down... 3....2....1...I'm about to start firing, when all of the sudden I hear:

"BAROOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!"

I literally crap my pants. crap IN MY PANTS.

A Gibbon ape (or some related primate) had climbed down to observe our little ambush and decided to initiate the ******* ambush himself by screaming right into my ear.

So now we badass Rangers, we dealers of death, we GODS OF WAR...are running for our lives, trying to get away from A MONKEY who ALSO crap himself going up his tree.

And that crap landed right on me.

So now, I have crap IN my pants and ON my Kevlar helmet.

We didn't live that one down for a looooooong time

 

[George Wallace]

Two Newfies walk into a pet shop and right away they go over to the bird section.

Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's Dem!"  The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat dere cage" says Gerry.

"Put dem in a pepper bag" says Paddy.  The clerk does, the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.


They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills.  They stop at the top of a cliff with a 500 foot drop.

"Dis look loike a grand place, eh?"  says Gerry. 

"Oh, yeh, dis looks good!" replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry win the loss.  "I get to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry.  He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.  Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down to land with a "SPLAT.

As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff, he shakes his head and says..."Fock dat, dis budgie jumping is too fockin' dangerous for me!"


A minute later, Seamus arrives.  He too has been to the pet shop and carries the familiar 'pepper bag'.  He pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in his other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Hi Paddy....watch this!"  Seamus says and he immediately launches himself over the edge of the cliff.  Paddy watches as halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the Parrots head off.  Seamus continues to plummet until there is a "SPLAT" as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom.  Paddy shakes his head and says, "An 'oim never troying dat Parrotshooting neider!"

 

[Brando304]

Hey did you guys here about what happened to Laurena Bobbit? Yeah, she was killed in a car accident; some dick came and cut her off.

 

[mainerjohnthomas]

      A young soldier was taking his girlfriend for drinks in the mess for the first time, and trying to explain the odd things the soldiers did.   When a couple of engineers came in, half the guys in the bar stopped what they were doing and raised a glass to them, the girlfriend asked what that was about.   The soldier replied that it was to commend the engineer's courage,   they had just come off a tour in africa disarming mines.   A few minutes later a few intense and slightly twichy infantrymen came in, and two thirds of the bar raised a glass, what was that about the girlfriend asked.   Her soldier replied "Those guys just got back from roto-0 in Afghanistan, and everyone is just showing their respect for their courage", the girlfriend nodded.   A couple of minutes later, a tired, nervous looking crew staggered in, and the whole mess jumped to its feet, raised their glasses, whistled and shouted, the crew waived acceptance and bellied up to the bar.   The girlfriend was really curious, "Who are those guys?", the boyfriend replied in hushed tones "Those guys fly S&R with the SEA KINGS over the open ocean,, those bastards are crazy!"

 

[Brando304]

On TV, you see the plane fly overhead and a gazillion paratroopers jump out of the plane and float lazily down to earth. It's pretty cool to watch, and is an effective way to get from point A to point B.


What you DON'T see though, is what goes on inside the bird prior to the jump.


My friend and I decided to fuck with the JM (Jumpmaster) a bit. I took an MRE (Meal, Ready-to-eat, or Meal Rejected by Everone) and pulled out the main course...ahhh--Chicken a-la-King. I also had a barf bag handy. I crushed up the entree, hid it in my shirt, and waited for the flight to get airborne. During the pre-flight inspection, my JM hadn't seen the bag of goodies I stowed.

This was one of those BUMPY flights. I'm talking Vomet Comet from hell...that bird went uuuup and doooown...we were all a little green around the gills, I can see everyone is getting sicker and sicker, so it's time for Frank to act.

I took my barf bag out, and held it up to my face while making this noise that sounded like that kid Chunk in the Goonies, when he puked in the movie theater...


"Hoooooooaaahhhh..... Ahhhoooooooouuuughhhhhh.... BAaaarrrrrrgfffffffff"


The other jumpers see me but they bravely keep their dinner where it belongs. They figure I'm gonna puke, but if they can keep it in, they're safe. The JM gives me a nod like "You okay Ranger?" Sure Jumpmaster... A-okay...


I smell inside the barf bag and pull my head back, as if repulsed by the stench. I look around as if confused, and pull a spoon out of my pocket. I start examining the barf bag, and act like I'm contemplating what to do next.


I poise the spoon above my head, and like a dog that has come upon a fresh pile of shit, I dip my spoon in the barf bag and pull out a nice wad of crushed chicken a-la-king...and shove it in my mouth.


All around me, the look of utter disbelief descends on the faces of the other jumpers. Not one to be suppressed, I keep eating, and eating, and eating...making it as messy as I can. I have "barf" all over my mouth, my shirt, the floor. I am chewing with my mouth open so they can see it roll around.

The guy next to me is staring wide eyed, about to vomit. I decide to push him over the edge. I put a huge piece of "vomit" in my mouth and yell at him, "RANGER'S LEAD THE WAY," as I spew it all over his face.


He can't take it any more. He rears back and vomits all over the guy in front of him. The guy in front of him pukes on HIMSELF, and on down the line. I feel like that guy on "Stand By Me," Lard ass, who made the Barf-o-rama happen.


By this time, there are so many people puking that the JM doesn't notice the two minute warning. The floor is awash in vomit and the place stinks like a sack full of assholes. It gets so bad I'm nearly getting sick.


Finally, the JM gives the jump commands... "Stand UP... HOOK UP... SOUND OFF FOR EQUIPMENT CHECK... "

Now NORMALLY, the guys in the jump line would be tapping each other going "10 OKAY....9 OKAY...8 OKAY... all the way up to the front, where the last guy says "ALL OKAY JUMPMASTER!!!"


It didn't quite go that way.


"10...BARRRFFF...."
"9...BARRRRFFFFF...."
"8...BARRRFFFFF....."
"7...BARRRFFFFF..."
"6 OKAY ( I was number 6)..."
"5...BARRRFFFF..."
"4...BARRRFFFF..."


And so on, until #1 throws up ON the Jump Master. He's had it, so he forces us out the bird. Roaring, puke-filled plane to blissful serenity under a 'chute.


Unfortunately, everyone's testicles take a nasty shock from he opening of the canopy, and they keep puking. All of a sudden, I have barf on my canopy, and it's trickling and dripping on me. My plan backfires, and I start retching too...and then BAM, I'm puking all over the canopy below me.


On the ground, folks are trying to find the asshole who started it all, and being the good Ranger I am, I 'm trying to find the scumbag too. Needless to say, he wasn't found. The Crew Chief of the bird we jumped flat-out told us that we were NEVER to ride in his bird again.


Hey, if he can't take a joke, fuck him. Right?

 

[Thompson_JM]

it certainly did when the ranger from www.soupsandwich.net did it.

 

[PPCLI MCpl]

I think the funniest thing I have read in this thread is the existence of a website called "soup sandwich."

What's next, www.bagofhammers.com?

 

[George Wallace]

Fresh off the net.....



Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a story on gender
roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She
noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the overthrow
of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further
back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do
you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to
change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation,
said "Land mines."

MORAL OF THE STORY -: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN!!


;D

 

[davidk]

One of my own...not told to me, but someone in my section.

You are not permitted to fill your canteen with Kahlua, even if you file off the "Water Only" label.

 

[Sgt.Fitzpatrick]

22. Must never call an SAS a â Å“Wankerâ ?. 31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

53. Not allowed to quote â Å“Full Metal Jacket â Å“ at the rifle range

I've the FMJ quote a lot in cadets.

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

 

[Riobeard]

Read first then look at photo attachment

Tired of speeding tickets? Want to open up spaces between
you and the cars around you? 

Step 1. Tie these balloons to your car
Step 2. Drive VERY FAST 
Step 3. Watch people freak out.
Step 4. Tell the nice officer you thought they were real.

 

[nurse sarah]

EME Monkey

A tourist visiting Newfoundland walked into a pet shop and  was looking at the animals on display. While he was  there, a  Canadian Soldier walked in and said to the  shopkeeper,  "I'll take the EME monkey, please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side  of the shop and took out a  monkey. He fit it with a  collar and leash, handed it to the Soldier saying, "That'll be $1,000."  The Soldier paid and walked outwith his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and  said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them  are only a few hundred dollars.  Why did it cost so  much?"  The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is an expert with all small arms, can fix any maner of vehicle, and is certified in Small Unit Tactics--- well  worth  the money!"

"The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That  one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a certified Corporal EME  monkey; it can instruct other monkeys in Basic Firearms Skills, Counter Terrorism, Training, Physical Training, Small UnitTactics, Advanced Mechanical Techniques, and  even Type. All the really useful stuff," said  the  shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a  third monkey in a large cage of its own. The price tag  around its neck read $70,000.  He gasped to the  shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others  put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied,  "Well, I haven't actually seen  it do anything more then yell at the other monkeys for no apparent reason, Throw feces, and drink coffee, but it says it's a Warrant Officer."

 

[Gunner]

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

5. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My
dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well, says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

15. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top
shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

17. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too..

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

 

[Jonny Boy]

whats blue and fluffy?  blue fluff

 

[Sheerin]

So a man rushes into a vets office carrying in his arms his limp dog.
The vet takes one look at the poor animal and says "I'm sorry sir, but your dog is dead".
The man doesn't accept this and demands a second opinion, so the vet goes into the back room and comes out with a Labrador retriever.  Labrador sniffs the man's dog and barks once.  "I'm sorry," the vet goes on "But I still believe your dog is dead."  The man, now utterly distraught demands another opinion.  So the vet goes back into the backroom and returns with a small cat.  The cat proceeds to sniff the dog and after a moment meows once.  "Again, I'm sorry sir", the vet says as he takes the cat back "But your dog is dead... you can leave him here and we'll take care of her."  So the man places the dog on the table, and says his tearful goodbye.  He goes out to the front desk where the vet hands him a bill for $1000, the man becomes irate and demands why he must pay a thousand dollars just to be told his dog is dead. The vet replies with "$50 for my assessment and $950 for both the lab work and the cat scan". 

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? 
because he had no body to go with.

And for the chemist and physicists out there...

So one day Werner Heisenberg is out for a drive, and unfortunately speeds right through a radar trap without realizing.
So the cop pulls him over and walks up to driver's side window and says "Excuse me sir, but did you know how fast you were going?"  To which Heisenberg responds "No, but I knew where I was!" 

 

[pronto]

Sorry - 48 Highlander - it is Chemistry too. once you get into P-chem, it's all basically the same.  > Heisenberg, quantum, and applications in chem is taught in 3yr year chem. (I know 'cause I have taught it to them).

Nice joke too!

A Physicist, a Biologist, and a Statistician see two people enter a house, and then after some time, they see three people leave the house. The Physicist concludes, "My initial observation must have been incorrect." The Biologist concludes, "Clearly, the two reproduced..." The Statistician concludes, "Well, if one more person enters the house, then there will be no-one in the house!" - heh heh