A Collection Of Army.ca Humour - including SKIPPY'S DAMN LIST AGAIN!!

[Uberman]

A lawyer, a Buddist and a Rabbi find themselves the only survivers of a horrible plane crash in the middle of nowhere and in the dead of night. Fumbling along the landscape they notice a dim light shimmering in the distance. Upon nearing the light they recognize it as being the proberbial farmhouse. They knock on the front door and the farmer lets them in. Unfortunately, there are only two spare single beds so one of the trio is going to have to sleep in the barn. Also unfortunately, there is no proverbial farmer's daughter. In the spirit of giving, the Buddist offers to stay in the barn for the remainder of the night. Obviouly the other two think this is a great idea. Ten minutes after the Buddist leaves, there is a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door to find the Buddist. The Buddist states there are cows in the barn - in his religion cows are sacred - sleeping in the same quarters would not be permitted. The Rabbi, recognizing the strength of the the Buddists convictions promptly offers to sleep in the barn. Again, ten minutes after the Rabbi leaves there is a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door to find the Rabbi standing there. The Rabbi states there are pigs in the barn and sleeping in the same quarters as pigs would not be permitted. Begrudgingly, the lawyer says he will sleep in the barn so the other two can maintain peace with thier god. Ten minutes after the lawyer leaves there is the familiar knock on the door. The Farmer opens the door to find the farm animals standing there looking extremely pissed.

 

[ab136]

A guy goes into a doctors office with a frog on his head.  The doctor says, "what can I do for you?"  The frog says, "I don't know...it started out as a bump on my *ss!"

 

[Island Ryhno]

Two locals from here on the rock get laid off and go to the unemployment office. The first guy Tom goes in and the clerk says "what do you do for a living?" Tom says, "I fold womans underwear as they come off the line" The clerk says "Ok manual labour, unskilled here's a cheque for $150 per week" the second guy Bill goes in and the clerks says "what do you do for a living?" Bill says "diesel fitter" to which the clerk says, "that's a good trade, here's a cheque for $300 per week" so Tom and Bill compare cheques and when Tom finds out how much Bill is getting he gets pissed, back he goe's to the clerk "why did you give Bill way more than me?" the clerk says "he is a skilled technician, a tradesman, a diesel fitter" Skilled my arse Tom says, "when the underwear comes off the line Bill holds them up and say's These'll fit 'er"

 

[TCBF]

Little Johnny sits on a park bench and eats six chocolat bars, one after another.  An older gentleman, observing this, chides Johnny for his poor dietary decision.  "Well" says Johnny, "my Grandpaw just died, and he was 104 years old." 

"And did he live to be that old by eating six chocolat bars ay once?" asked the man. 

"No," said little Johnny, "he lived to be that old by minding his own *&@#$*% business."

 

[Korus]

Second year engineering math class, where we get to relearn the past 2 years of calculus, but with imaginary numbers, our math prof tells us this joke:

A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!!!!" The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane."


I guess you have to know imaginary calculus to get that one..

 

[stukirkpatrick]

Heres one that every military person is sure to get  ;D

After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired.  He told the circus owner he was going to retire.  "You Can't!!!" protested the boss.  "Where am I going to find another man of your calibre?"

 

[Foxhound]

A young engineer is walking along by a pond in the park when he hears a voice down in the reeds.  â Å“Psssst!â ? says the voice, â Å“Look down here!â ?  The engineer looks around and spots a frog.  â Å“Hi!â ? says the frog.  â Å“I'm not really a frog, but a beautiful princess who has been turned into a frog by an evil sorcerer.  Kiss me and I'll turn back into a princess and I'll be ever so grateful.â ?  The engineer bends down, picks up the frog and puts it into his pocket and continues on his walk.  â Å“HEY!â ? shouts the frog.  â Å“Didn't you hear me?  I need to be turned back into a princess!â ?  The engineer reaches into his pocket, takes out the frog who says, â Å“Look, it's simple, kiss me so I can turn into a beautiful princess and I'll ... be your girlfriend!â ?  The engineer smiles at the frog for a minute, and puts her back into his pocket.  â Å“I'll do better!â ? shouts the frog.  â Å“I'll m-marry you, I'll be yours forever just kiss me so I can be myself again!â ?  The engineer takes the frog out again, looks at her and says, â Å“Geez frog, I dunno.  I'm an enginner you see, so I don't know much about girls and such, but a talking frog is way cool!â ?

 

[Lexi]

(Another Little Johnny joke.)

So little johnny was sitting behind this girl in school who always fell asleep. During a religion lesson, the little girl fell asleep. The teacher asked her, "Who created the Earth?"

Little Johnny, being a trouble maker, pokes the girl with a pin. She jolts awake and hollers "GOD!"
"Very good," says the teacher. So then the little girl falls asleep again, and the teacher asks her yet another question. "Who died on the cross?"
Johnny pokes the girl with the pin yet again. "Jesus Christ!" she exclaimed, and was yet again praised by her teacher.
The little girl falls asleep once more, and is asked yet another question. "What did Eve say to Adam after their 17th child?" Johnny pokes the little girl with the pin, who wakes up and turns around...

"SWEAR TO GOD, you poke me with that thing ONE MORE TIME, I'll RIP YOUR BALLS OFF!"

 

[I_am_John_Galt]

Guts vs. Bravery

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next! ! ! "

(sorry!)  :-[

 

[alan_li_13]

Sorry - 48 Highlander - it is Chemistry too. once you get into P-chem, it's all basically the same.  Heisenberg, quantum, and applications in chem is taught in 3yr year chem. (I know 'cause I have taught it to them).

Nice joke too!

Heisenberg, Einstein, and the other fellas are touched upon in Gr. 12 high school Chem.
lol, awsome joke, earned me a few bonus marks from my Chem teacher.

I got one.

Little Johnny goes fishing with Gramps. As they're sitting there, Gramps takes out a flask of wiskey and takes a sip. Johnny asks: "Hey gramps, can i have a sip?" In response, Gramps asks: "can you touch your d*** to your a**?" Johnny says no. "Well Johnny, that means you're too young."
Later, Gramps takes out a cigar and starts smoking. Again, Johnny asks: "Hey, can i have a puff?" Again, Gramps asks, "can you touch your d*** to your a**?" again, Johnny says no. "Well Johnny, that means you're too young."
Then Little Johnny takes out a bag of cookie. Gramps looks on as he eats one. Then Gramps asks: "Hey Johnny, care to give your gramps a cookie?" Johnny replys: "Can you touch your d*** to your a**?" Gramps answers "Hell yeah!"
Then Johnny replys: "Then GO F*** YOURSELF!!!"

 

[Glorified Ape]

13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

For some reason this one had me cracking up. I swear I heard it said in a "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" voice when I read it.

 

[vangemeren]

I thought this one would fit in this category. I remember reading this one awhile back from one of the joke threads:

Two greyhounds are sitting at a bar, discussing the race that one of them just won. The winner of the race was sad, and his buddy asked him whats wrong. He replied "Well... I know I should be happy because I won the race.. but I didn't win because of my superior ability, I won because something shocked me in the ***!" His buddy looks perplexed, and asks him to explain. The winning greyhound says "Well, I don't know how to explain it, but I was on the inside lane chasing that rabbit, and every now and again, I would get a shock in the ***, which propelled me to the front of the pack."

Across the bar a horse was listening in to thier conversation and interupts the two greyhounds "Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear you... and that exact same thing happened to me yesterday!" The two greyhounds look at each other for a few moments... and one says "Oh my God.... a talking horse."

Thanks Goober
http://forums.army.ca/forums/threads/28785/post-125655.html#msg125655

p.s maybe we could consolidate all of the joke threads together (or just this one with
the one here) and sticky them to the top, so we don't start new threads, when it falls off the first page.


instead of like this:

 

[Island Ryhno]

Irish Confession



Bless me Father, for I have sinned.  I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"

  "I can't be tellin' you, Father.  I don't want to ruin
her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so
  you may as well tell  me now.  Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Lizzy Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration.  "You're a steadfast
lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that.  But
you've sinned, and you must atone.  You cannot attend
church mass for three months.  Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew.  His friend Sean slides over and whispers,  "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads!"

 

[ab136]

Here is a three I pick-up on the week-end.

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One cannibal say to the other,"does this meat taste funny?"

A guy walks into a doctors office with a frog on his head.  The doctor says, "what's going on here?".  The frog says, "I don't know it started out as a bump on my a$$".

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey.....why the long face?"

Hope they weren't toooooo painful :-\

 

[Old Ranger]

Driving with my Wife, we pass a Field of cows;

She sais "Doesn't it mean it's going to rain when cows are lying down"?

...."Yes dear" :

"But only half are lying down, What does that mean"?

"50% chance of rain" ;D

 

[Korus]

Two guys walk into a bar... ouch.

So this baby seal walks into a club.

 

[Fishbone Jones]

This is like deja vu all over again.

OK, it belongs to Yogi Berra

 

[Korus]

I can't take credit, ab136.. I heard it somewhere else.

It goes well with the hoodie some of my friends got me for my birthday...



*note* Roko does not actually condone the clubbing of baby seals.

 

[ab136]

OK how about a joke.

A guy was reading a newspaper and noticed an ad regarding a talking dog for sale.  The guy went to the address and talked to the owner. The owner said
Yeah I have a talking dog...big deal.
Well how much do you want for him
$200
Well where is he I want to check him out.
He's out back but it won't do ya much good talking to him...

So the guy goes to the backyard and meets the dog
So your the talking dog
Yeah
Well what's you story
Well I use to be a spy.  I worked for the government.  I was sent into enemy territory and nobody even noticed me.  People talked around                                  me all the time I would collect information and report back to the government on what I heard.  It was a pretty good job.  But the travel got to me...you know being away from the wife and kids so much.  So one day I just said I quit.  And here I am today. Retired.
Wow. Thats quite a story.

So the guy goes to see the owner. 
Well $200 for the dog...it that right.
Yeah I'll take $200....but I don't see the big deal.....That dog is a liar.

 

[Rebel_RN]

90 year old man sitting in his car on the side of the road bawling his eye's out, police officer sees this and decides to see what's wrong. Cop asks the old man if everything is ok and the old man replies,
" I just married the most beautiful 20 year old, she looks like a goddess, she can cook better then my own mother could and the marital relations are fanfreakintastic"
the cop Say's "so what's the problem then?"
old man wails hysterically " I can't remember where I live"