A Collection Of Army.ca Humour - including SKIPPY'S DAMN LIST AGAIN!!

[Spr.Earl]

Here's a little joke that made me laugh, hopefully it will do the same for you.

An Irishman, an English soldier, and an attractive young french woman were riding a train through the Irish countryside.

After entering a tunnel, with the train car becoming dark for a few minutes, there were several kissing sounds, each followed by a slapping noise.

After emerging from the other side, the soldier, rubbing his now reddened face thought to himself that the Irishman must have kissed the young woman, and she must have slapped him instead.

The young woman thought to herself that the soldier must have tried to kiss her, but ended up accidentally kissing the Irishman instead.

The Irishman thought it was great, because all he had to do was kiss the back of his hand, and he could slap the soldier all day long.

Thats an owld one but with a RSM in the train.

 

[Burrows]

eww

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a Plastic Grocery Bag?

One is made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with.  The other is for CARRYING GROCERIES

 

[Pte. Bloggins]

Thats an owld one but with a RSM in the train.

Found it.

Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp. As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin. In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts. The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?" The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?" The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark. And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

 

[Pte. Bloggins]

Haven't seen this here, so thought I'd post it as well (still makes me laugh) ;D

General
Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.

Colonel
Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God.

Lieutenant-Colonel
Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least
three working days in advance.

Major
Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.

Captain
Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.
Is run over by trains.
Barely clears outhouse.
Doggy paddles.
Mumbles to self.

Lieutenant
Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.
Recognizes trains two out of three times.
Runs into tall buildings.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings.
Talks to walls.

2nd Lieutenant
Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both.
Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.
Plays in Mud puddles.
Stutters.

Officer Cadet
Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be
closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out.
Says: "Look at choo choo!"
Not allowed inside buildings of any size.
Makes good boat anchor.
Mere existence makes God shudder.

Sergeant-Major
Catches hyper sonic armour piercing fin stabilized discarding sabot
depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
Uproots tall buildings and walks under them.
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.
Is God.

 

[Goober]

These are better told by me in person, with a few Olands in my blood...

Two irishmen are stranded in a dory in the middle of the ocean baking in the sun. One irishman spots a bottle floating in the water, and picks it up and takes the cork out. With a puff of smoke and some sparkles, out flies a genie. The genie says "I will grant you ONE wish. What will it be?" One of the irishmen say "Hey, aren't you supposed to grant us THREE wishes?" The genie replies "No, just one, and no wishing for more wishes."

So the irishmen think about it long and hard, and finally one of them says, "I wish the entire ocean was made of whiskey!" the other irishman looks at the first in disappointment and says "You idiot... now we gotta piss in the boat."

/dryjokealert

Two greyhounds are sitting at a bar, discussing the race that one of them just won. The winner of the race was sad, and his buddy asked him whats wrong. He replied "Well... I know I should be happy because I won the race.. but I didn't win because of my superior ability, I won because something shocked me in the ass!" His buddy looks perplexed, and asks him to explain. The winning greyhound says "Well, I don't know how to explain it, but I was on the inside lane chasing that rabbit, and every now and again, I would get a shock in the ass, which propelled me to the front of the pack."

Across the bar a horse was listening in to thier conversation and interupts the two greyhounds "Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear you... and that exact same thing happened to me yesterday!" The two greyhounds look at each other for a few moments... and one says "Oh my God.... a talking horse."

heh, thats what I call a groaner!

 

[Bartok5]

Some of you may have seen this flash animation before.  For those who haven't, I am providing the link below.  Personal "mileage" will vary, but as far as I am concerned it is a rather twisted classic.  Enjoy!

http://www.deadtroll.com/index2.html?/video/liltank1.html~content

It came to me out of left-field on the DIN, and I thought that it was worth passing on.  I am guessing that some Canadian Tankers had a rather direct hand in the creation.  Nonetheless, it cracked me up!

Cheers,

 

[dirtnco]

Enjoy,
-Just remember if the world didn't suck we'd all fall off
-We were born naked , wet, and hungry. Then things got worse
-It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end someone would still try to pass
-Laughing stock---cattle with humour
-Flashlight: a case for dead batteries
-Shin: a device used to locate furniture in the dark
-Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway
- The things that come to those that wait were more that likely left by those that got there first
-You can't have everything; where would you put it?
-I started with nothing , and I still have most of it
- Light travels faster than sound. That why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


Pro Patria

 

[Burrows]

The Velocity and Power of Impact of my boot on your butt is directly related to how mad I am at you

 

[Bograt]

Like all pilots and aircraft, Santa and his sleigh are subject to
regular certification checks, including inspection of the sleigh and a
test of Santa's flying ability.

To get ready for the examiner, Santa and the elves were busy checking
the sleigh and reindeer, and making sure all the paperwork was in
order. Santa knew the feds would check every bolt in his equipment and
put his flying skills to the test.

On the appointed day, the examiner walked slowly around the sleigh. He
checked the reindeer harnesses, the sleigh runners, and Rudolph's
nose. He closely considered Santa's weight and balance calculations
for the sleigh's payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride.

Santa climbed aboard the sleigh and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder
harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in. To
Santa's great surprise, he carried a shotgun.

"What's that for?!?", asked Santa.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you anything
ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but in
this test, you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

;D

www.noradsanta.org

 

[Foxhound]

From the CTV.ca website:

http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/1103225211845_98634411

Hells Angels use billboard for image campaign
CTV.ca News Staff

The Ontario wing of the Hells Angels has put up a billboard on a Toronto highway as part of a new public relations campaign.

The motorcycle gang says they want to "right the wrongs" done to them by the "government-controlled" media.

The Angels' PR campaign comes amid an ongoing trial in Barrie, Ont., north of Toronto, in which the Crown is trying to prove that the Hells Angels are a criminal organization.

If prosecutors succeed, the gang's powers could be severely limited.

The billboard reads: "Still fighting for democracy and freedom" and directs people to their website. There, the gang claims that stories written about them in local and national papers "tell you everything-- but the truth."

They say they've been made the "bogeyman for all of society's ills" while such issues as "government corruption and immigration-fed crime... are hamstrung by self-interest and reverse racism."

They say they are engaged in a business that is "absolutely legal" yet are targeted by prosecutors and victimized by police.

But Yves Lavigne, the author of Hells Angels at War, says the organization is nothing but a group of criminals.

The Hells Angels are particularly angry with the new anti-gang laws.

They say the laws threaten all Canadians because they can be used to "railroad innocent people," calling the law "a monstrous attack on freedom."

Under the gangsterism laws, first used in 2001, participating in a criminal organization can mean up to 14 years in prison. The law was passed in 1997 to help put an end to Quebec's bloody biker war that's claimed 150 lives.

Those convicted of the crime must serve at least half of their total sentences rather than being able to apply for release after completing a third of their sentence.

The gang says they've decided to use their "right to free speech" to tell their side on stories written about them.

Montreal reporter Michael Auger is appalled by the campaign.
He was shot while covering the gang war.

"It's a plain insult to all the victims of organized crime in Canada," he said.

With files from CTV's Denelle Balfour

I thought that the slogan "Still fighting for democracy and freedom" was a little over the top considering that it kind of puts them on our, er ... â Å“turf.â ? :blotto:

In that regard, I thought it might be a welcome gesture if we helped them out with their marketing strategy by coming up with some alternative slogans.

I'll start:

1. "When it absolutely, positively has to be whacked overnight."
2. â Å“Have it OUR way!â ?
3. â Å“Tired of foreign gangs?   He11's Angels â “ home-grown and proud of it!â ?
4. â Å“For your local chapter, call 1-800-555-GANG.â ?
5. â Å“Snap! Crackle! Bash!â ?
6. â Å“When you care enough to pay off the very best.â ?
7. â Å“Finger breakin' good.â ?
8. â Å“Say it with bikers.â ?
9. â Å“But please, don't squeeze the Harley.â ?
10. â Å“The quicker beater-upper.â ?

 

[Slim]

"Only the Hell's Angels use REAL MILITARY EQUIPMENT to assault their rivals...Anyone else is just second best!" ;D

"Our Crystal Meth is better!"

"Turning motorcyclists into criminals, the Hell's Angels are first in Ontario!"   :dontpanic:

TV commercials are next... :

Slim :

 

[48Highlander]

1. "When it absolutely, positively has to be whacked overnight."
2. â Å“Have it OUR way!â ?
3. â Å“Tired of foreign gangs?  He11's Angels â “ home-grown and proud of it!â ?
4. â Å“For your local chapter, call 1-800-555-GANG.â ?
5. â Å“Snap! Crackle! Bash!â ?
6. â Å“When you care enough to pay off the very best.â ?
7. â Å“Finger breakin' good.â ?
8. â Å“Say it with bikers.â ?
9. â Å“But please, don't squeeze the Harley.â ?
10. â Å“The quicker beater-upper.â ?

Damn man.  You should do stand up.  I laughed untill I cried 

I'm thinking they could copy the CF ads.

"Strong.  Proud.  No cutbacks.  Today's Hells Angels"

 

[Slim]

I hear that their retirement policy sucks though.

 

[Foxhound]

But they offer "full" dental work.

 

[Foxhound]

That's why four out of five dentists recommend He11's Angels.

Came up with some more ...

"My gang, I think I'll keep them."

"...I just saved a bunch of money on my continue-to-do-business insurance (by switching to Angels)."

"In the Valley of the Jolly
...Ho! Ho! Ho! He11's Angels."

"We do intimidation right!"

"Someone deserves a break today."

"Everything you always wanted in a gang ... and less.
(Ad for He11's Angels Lite.)

"The other white supremacists."

"We make money the old fashioned way.
We steal it"

"The Un-Gang."

"This is your brain.   This is your brain if you f**k with us.   Any questions?"

 

[Gilligan]

  HAHA, in the spirit of the holidays,
 
  "Season's Beatings"

 

[Pte. Bloggins]

*BUMP*

Way too funny to be all the way on page 9.

 

[Slim]

My personal favouite was "Did you shave this moring? Well next time step closer to the razor!"

Slim

 

[48Highlander]

Here's a good one.  Not army related, but I got it through the chain of command so that's good enough


An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South  to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs  when  he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign  that read "$10,000.00 per call".  The American, being intrigued, asked  a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for?

The priest  replied that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000.00 one could talk to God.  The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta, there, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and asked a nearby nun what its purpose was?

She told him that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000.00 he could talk to God.

"O.K. thank you" said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New-York.  In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000.00 per call" sign under it.

Upon leaving Vermont, the American saw a sign for CANADA and decided to see if Canadians had the same golden telephone.  He arrived in Squamish, BC and again there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "25 cents per call".

The American was surprised and intrigued so he asked the priest about the sign:  "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches.  I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000.00 per call.  Why is it so cheap here?

The priest smiled and answered:" You're in Canada now son, it's a local call."

 

[Devlin]

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the
druggist. The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, opens it to reveal a smaller silk square which he unfolds to
reveal

a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up.

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.

"Six pence," says the pharmacist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence."

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandana,
places it in his sporran and marches down the aisle and out the door of
the pharmacy.

A moment or two later a great shout goes up, followed by an even greater shout. The Scot walks into the pharmacy again, and back to the pharmacist.

"The regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says. "We'll have a new one."