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A Collection Of Army.ca Humour - including SKIPPY'S DAMN LIST AGAIN!!

  • Thread starter Thread starter Mud Crawler
  • Start date Start date
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:)
 
MILITARY WAYS
During training exercises, the lieutenant, who was driving down a muddy
back road, encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel
at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
----------------------------------------------
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous new colonel was sitting
at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.

Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone,
told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I‘ll be
seeing him this afternoon and I‘ll pass along your message. In the meantime
thank you

for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man,
he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "just here to hook up your
telephone."
---------------------------------------
Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set
of tracks.

The first Marine said, "Those are deer tracks."

The second Marine said, "No, those are elk tracks."

The third Marine said, "You‘re both wrong, those are moose tracks."

The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.
----------------------------------------------
A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking
military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was
the last time he had had sex.

"1956," was his immediate reply.

"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to

get out more."

"I‘m not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It
s only 2014 now."
 
A guy in blue and a guy in green are standing at a row of urinals, doing their business. The guy in green finishes first, zips up, and walks past the guy in blue.

The guy in blue shoots a disgusted look over his shoulder as the guy in green passes the sink without stopping. "You know," he says icily, "in the Air Force they teach us how to wash our hands."

"Really," the guy in green replies as he opens the door, "In the Army, they teach us not to piss on our hands."
 
Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in **** . The next day the devil stops
in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques
warming themselves around the fire.

The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn‘t it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we‘re from Canada, the land of snow
and ice and cold. We‘re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit,
eh."

The devil decides that these two aren‘t miserable enough and turns up the
heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are,still dressed in
parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It‘s awfully hot
down here, can‘t you guys feel it?"

Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we‘re from
Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We‘re just happy for a chance to
warm up a little bit, eh."

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two
guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing
and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada
and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling bacon and
drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in absolute
misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don‘t get too much warm weather
up there in Toronto so we‘ve just got to have a cook-out when the weather‘s
this nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he
comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been
cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn off all the heat in **** .
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging
everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything
but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the
room with the two Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their
parkas, toques, and mittens.

NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad
men!!! The devil is dumbfounded, "I don‘t understand, when I turn up the
heat you‘re happy. Now it‘s freezing cold and you‘re still happy. What is
wrong with you two???" The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise,
"Well, don‘t you know? If **** freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the
Stanley Cup."
 
I don‘t have references for this article but it was forwarded to me. It may be a true interview or not.


Interview

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and
you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning
guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love
this!!!!

This is one of the best come back lines of all time. It is a portion of
National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and  US
 MarineCorps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a BoyScout Troop
visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach
these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD:  We‘re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and
shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That‘s a bit irresponsible, isn‘t it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don‘t see why, they‘ll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don‘t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don‘t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you‘re equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you‘re equipped to be a prostitute, but you‘re not
one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.
 
You are too "Hoo-ahh" if......
>
>1. You go to a family BBQ and insist your family eats Tactically.
>2. Your kids volunteer to pull air guard on the schoolbus.
>3. Your doorbell sounds off the current challenge procedure and password
drill.
>4. You have sector sketches and range cards posted at every window in your
house.
>5. You give the command "Fix Bayonets" at Thanksgiving Dinner.
>6. You make your daughter sign out on a pass before going on Prom night.
>7. Your kids salute their grandparents.
>8. Your older kids call the youngest one "Cherry" or F-N-G.
>9. Your kids recite the alphabet phonetically.
>10. Your wife left you and you held a "Change of Command" ceremony.
>11. Your dogs name is Ranger.
>12. All your possessions are military issue.
>13. You have pull-up bars outside the kitchen door.
>14. Your daughter‘s first haircut was a flattop.
>15. Your kids do fire picket and sentry in the yard.
>16. you decorate your christmas tree with chemlites and engineer tape.
17. you make your children show their mealcards before entering the kitchen, except for your eldest son whom you make pay instead
18. your son asks the kindergarten "DS" if he can use the "head", "Latrine" or while on a field trip, where the "blue rockets" are located
19. when being dressed down by their hockey coach the kids respond in the affirmative by saying "SEEN STAFF" at a volume usually reserved for heavy metal concerts
20. and finally, you know you are far too hardcore if after getting yet another divorce you stencil the bust of your latest EX on the side of your Dodge Ram 1500, right next to the busts of your other 4 standard issue EX‘s....
 
Bumber sticker of the year

" IF YOU ARE READING THIS THANK A TEACHER...
IF YOU ARE READING THIS IN ENGLISH ...THANK A VETERAN"
 
For those who are not Politicly correct!
AS NOTED ABOVE IF YOU ARE OFFENDED EASILY DO NOT
GO TO THIS SITE!!
He‘s a bloody good laff!!!

You can listen while cruising the net.


http://kevin.bloody.wilson.com.au/

I like the one about the Vegiterian were she‘s say‘s to Kev; You Know how that Animal Died?
Yeh you starved it to death you cow!!
In so many word‘s !ROTFLOL!!

Hay he‘s a good laff go listen !!

You can get his C.d.s here in Canada or order on line.

I have a few!

He‘s F‘n majic!!!!
 
A good laff!!!

Naked man found stuck in Chimney Christmas morning
12/26/2003

MINNEAPOLIS (AP) -- A naked man got stuck in the chimney of a bookstore early Christmas morning.

ADVERTISEMENT

Don‘t worry, it wasn‘t Santa Claus.

The 34-year-old man was treated Thursday for bruises and abrasions at Hennepin County Medical Center after being found naked and lodged in the furnace flue at Uncle Hugo‘s Bookstore. He was expected to be charged with attempted burglary on Friday.

"He was lucky," said police Lt. Mike Sauro. "He was only stuck in that chimney for a few hours. It‘s kind of a happy ending, because if he had been in there until that store opened Friday morning, it‘s my judgment he would have died.

"He doesn‘t appear to be a hard-core criminal, just stupid."

Police suspect that the man was drunk when he climbed atop the one-story building and removed all his clothes to help squeeze into the chimney. He then started to slide down the 12-by-12-inch chimney shaft, Sauro said.

"He‘s not Santa Claus," Sauro said. "He‘s a really skinny guy. And he‘s lucky he didn‘t get cooked."

The man told police that he entered the chimney about 1 a.m. Thursday to retrieve keys he accidentally dropped down the shaft.

A passer-by called police around 9 a.m. Thursday, after hearing screams for help coming from inside the store. Firefighters broke into the chimney with sledgehammers and freed the man.

"The store is pretty well torn up," said owner Don Blyly, who came in Thursday to hang up signs for a sale to begin Friday. "This is not what I came in here for today, but that‘s what I have to deal with."
 
This guys website has some really cool stuff on it.
http://www.henry.martinez.net/

My favorite links inside it are the osama bin laden liquor store shooting game, (as immature as it might be)

http://www.henry.martinez.net/games/binladenliquors/

and the ‘life as a guy‘ video clip.
http://www.henry.martinez.net/videos/3rdplace.htm

Oh, and this game was addictive for an hour while I procrastinated reading for class.

http://home.tele2.fr/kcv/pinguin.swf

Enjoy all
 
Well i remember back when the DND forum was still up they had a joke section...didn‘t see one here so...

heres my joke

One day this guy is driving his new BMW down the highway...he‘s feeling pretty good and not really paying attention to his speed. He looks in his rear view mirror and theres a cop with his lights and siren on...he thinks to himself "i got a BMW, i‘ll just floor it and that cop will eat my dust" so he floors it starts driving down the road a ways sees the cop slowly dissapear...then he thinks "wait...i‘m a responsible adult..i should pull over" so he pulls over...cop pulls up behind him...walks up to his door and says "allright i‘ve had a rough week...so if you can give me an excuse i havent heard for that little stunt you pulled i‘ll let you off with a warning"
the guy sits and thinks...then says "well officer...last week my wife ran off with a cop...i figured you were trying to give her back"
cop smiles and says "have a nice day"
 
K heres another joke... little more mature but funny

One day this guy is really sick...just doesn‘t feel well at all...this goes on for a couple weeks and he decides to go to the doctors to get some help...

so he goes to the doctor...who does some tests and figures out whats wrong with him, and then perscribes him some Suppository pills, these are to be taken once ever 6 hours until the bottle is gone i‘ll shove the first pill up your butt and you take care of the rest... the guy thinks about it for a little bit and decides to go ahead with it...so the doctor shoves the pill up his butt and he feels good right away

6 hours later time to take another pill he‘s in the bathroom trying and trying but cant get the pill up his butt so he explains the situation to his wife and asks her to do it... "sure honey" she replies...she places one hand on his sholder and then shoves the pill up his butt..."OH MY GOD!!!!" screams the man..."What honey...did i hurt you?" replies the wife

"No" says the man "i just realized the doctor had BOTH hands on my sholders" :)
 
i got kinda of a funny story but here it goes..

one night i was walkin around my street with a friend and we saw some people in the bushes so we went up towards the bushes and they were smokin dope. so my friend and i decided to have a closer look so i got down and crawled all the way up them (at this point they never noticed me) than my friend he was still at the entrance to the woods he stepped on a branch and that alarmed the people in the woods so they got up and started to move i was on the path and didnt know about it until the last second one guy stepped on me and stopped i thought i was caught so i got up and the guy that steped on me was like WTF like really loud and than i took off out of the woods, my friend was still trying to get in quietly i ran past him and told him to get outta there cuz there chaseing me.. after that we hit the street and noticed 2 figures running at us so we took off! a couple days l8ter they came up to me and told me i have to pay for 3+ grams of weed that THEY droped and i was like ‘ya right‘
 
Q: Whats the definition of Eternity???

A: 4 Blondes stopped at a 4 way stop
 
Ooooo another one i just thought of...

Guy 1:Hey did you hear scientists caught the Rare Blonde coyote

Guy 2: Really?

Guy 1: Yeah they found it in the leg trap with three legs chewed off
 
A highland regiment, somewhere in Scotland. The lads are formed up for CSM's inspection. As he's passing down the front rank, he spots that one of the lads' sporrans is standing away from his kilt at an odd angle. He marches over to halt in front of the hapless squaddie and stares downwards. He then looks up at the boy, who has a vacant, dreamlike stare going on. The CSM removes his pace stick from under his arm and gives a short *whack* to the top of the soldier's sporran and menacingly growls in his ear: â Å“Does tha' HURT, laddie?â ?

To which young Tommie replies in a now squeaky falsetto: â Å“Aye, Sahr!â ?

â Å“Guid! Then wake oop!â ? the CSM says. He turns and continues, moves on to inspect the center rank.

And spots another sporran a-kilter. (Pardon the pun.)

Same drill, (you can continue this through several squaddies if you like,) the CSM standing again in front of a trooper in an obvious state of excitement. Removes earlier referred-to pace stick from under his arm, winds up and, *WHACK! *.

Now screaming, â Å“DOES THA' HURT, LADDIE?!â ?

To which the now-startled and decidedly deflated lad replies: â Å“Nae, Sahr!â ?

The CSM, puzzled and still screaming: â Å“AND WHY NOT, LADDIE?!â ?

Answers the young private: â Å“It's nae mine, Sahr! It belongs to Cpl. MacDougall on th' ground behind me Sahr!â ?
 
Guy walks in to a bar. Ouch.

10 guys walk into a bar. you‘d think they‘d have learned from the first guy.

--------------------------------------------------

A man is ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs due to very serious health risks. As he wonders how in the heck he will ever do it, he runs across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thinks to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10-pound weight loss program. The next day there‘s a knock at his door, and when he answers there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!"

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20-pound program. The next day there‘s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." He‘s out the door and after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50-pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely", he replies, "I haven‘t felt this good in years."

The next day there‘s a knock at the door, and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I can catch you, you‘re mine."
 
From the American perspective... :p


The American Infantryman


I am the Infantry, Queen of Battle! I sit tight, stoned out of my squach while my country‘s representatives meet the enemy face-to-face and will-to-will across the peace table. For two centuries I have been the weak link in our nation‘s defense, I am the Infantry! Follow Me?

Both easy victories and well-covered-up defeats I have known. Frankly, I owe a lot to friendly historians.

In the Revolution I spent most of my time slinking around out of uniform taking potshots at British troops from behind rocks. I invaded Canada, and even that was a failure. My best general went over the the British. For a while there I didn‘t know whether to **** or wind my watch, but the French navy pulled my chestnuts out of the fire.

I took on Britain again in 1812 thinking she‘d be too busy with Napoleon to notice. I invaded Canada again and got beaten again. On my way out, I cravenly put the torch to the House of Parliament and then screamed like a stuck pig when the British burned Washington. New Orleans, the only battle I won, was fought after my gallant negotiators in Paris had signed the peace treaty. Incidentally, I won it with my usual tactic of hiding behind some rocks and taking potshots at the British troops.

After that I vowed to pick fights only with unusually weak, stupid, or backward peoples. The Indians fit the bill nicely. Generally speaking, I bought them off, bullied them, or got them drunk, but occasionally I had to fight it out, with a numerical superiority of only ten to one and nothing but my self-loading rifle to stand against their fierce spears and arrows. What‘s more, cowards that they were, they often hid behing rocks and took potshots at me. But I persevered, and in fifty-five years victory was mine (except for the Seminoles).

Mexico also fit the bill. I did a lot better there than in Canada. By the way, if you‘re thinking of building a military tradition, I really recommend your Spanish speaking countries.

In the Civil War, I fought on both sides. Toward the end I changed sides. In the North I fielded two dozen of the worst generals in the history of modern warfare, and if the British had come to the aid of the South the way I did later in South Vietnam, there‘d be Customs officials on the Mason-Dixon Line right now. Once I had it won, I marched to the sea in a cowardly and wanton punitive expedition that held the record for atrocities committed against civilians for half a century, after which I won it again in the Phillipines.

I went back to massacring Indians for a while, just to keep my hand in and added the Little Big Horn to my list of showy defeats. If you know what you‘re doing, you can make routes like that and the Alamo and Pickett‘s Charge into "heroic stands" or "glorious doomed fights". Anyway, I wised up after that and just surrounded Indian villages and fired into their teepees with cannon from four miles away.

Then, I handily beat Spain‘s seventeenth century army in Cuba while my naval comrades sunk her twelfth-century fleet in Manila. Along the way I turned a major military blunder, the costly charge up the wrong side of San Juan Hill, into a famous victory. I picked up Panama at an auction and spent fifteen years pacifying the Philippines with the .45 caliber automatic, the Gatling gun, and the Krag buffalo rifle. I went into Mexico again after Pancho Villa, but they‘d picked up the knack of hiding behind rocks, so I said the **** with it.

I waited just as long as I decently could before getting into World War I, buy my valorous historians made my six months of fighting sound like the major event of the war. Australia, New Zealand, and Canada had ten times the troops fighting eight times as long, and you never heard of them, right?

I pulled the same trick in World War II, but the Japanese forced me into it about three years early when my commander in chief left the entire Pacific Fleet in Pearl Harbor with a "Bomb Me" sign on it. I actually had to do some fighting, but fortuantely I‘ve always had some pretty sharp scientists to back me up. Let me tell you, it helps to have the technological edge, whether it‘s Winchesters over arrows or grapeshot over musket fire. They came up with napalm, the Norden bombsight and the atom bomb, and got me off the hook.

In Korea I managed to blow a sure thing when my commanders forgot that rivers like the Yalu turn into roads at 32 degrees Fahrenheit - and that China wasn‘t a Spanish-speaking country.

Since then, I‘ve taken on Lebanon and the Dominican Republic, and Grenada, and backed out of the Suez and Cuba. In Vietnam, I used all my tricks picking on small, primitive countries, taking potshots from the air (my scientists built fort of a flying rock to hide in), shelling villages from four miles away, pretending that mistakes like Hamburger Hill were great victories, all of it. It didn‘t work. I lost, and everybody knows it.

I AM THE INFANTRY, QUEEN OF BATTLE. FOLLOW ME!
 
I am really bored today and i remebered this list I found it is hilarious, specially like The "Don‘t call the SAS, wankers!" Enjoy :D


The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army
SGT Shawn Stanford

Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn‘t allowed to do. He collected those things into a hillarious list and posted them to the web. The site hadn‘t been updated in a couple of years and has since gone away; but the list is classic, so I saved it. A couple favorites: 2. My proper military title is ‘Specialist Schwarz‘ not ‘Princess Anastasia‘. and 191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

1) Not allowed to watch Southpark when I‘m supposed to be working.

2) My proper military title is ‘Specialist Schwarz‘ not ‘Princess Anastasia‘.

3) Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

4) Not allowed to challenge anyone‘s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

5) Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

6) Not allowed to play ‘Pulp Fiction‘ with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.

7) Not allowed to add ‘In accordance with the prophesy‘ to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

8) Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don‘t like to War Criminal posters.

9) Not allowed to title any product ‘Get Over it‘.

10) Not allowed to purchase anyone‘s soul on Government time.

11) Not allowed to join the communist party.

12) Not allowed to join any militia.

13) Not allowed to form any militia.

14) Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.

15) Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to ‘Sic Brass!‘

16) Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my ‘Sampson like powers‘.

17) God may not contradict any of my orders.

18) May no longer perform my now (in)famous ‘Barbie Girl Dance‘ while on duty.

19) May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I‘m right.

20) Must not taunt the French any more.

21) Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.

22) Must never call an SAS a ‘Wanker‘.

23) Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they‘ve been smoking crack.

24) Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it‘s true.

25) Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.

26) Never tell a German soldier that ‘We kicked your *** in World War 2!‘

27) Don‘t tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).

28) Don‘t take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).

29) The Irish MPs are not after ‘Me frosted lucky charms‘.

30) Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.

31) Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

32) Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

33) Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34) (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

35) Not allowed to sing ‘High Speed Dirt‘ by Megadeth during airborne operations. (‘See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I‘m off to meet my maker‘)

36) Can‘t have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn‘t over).

37) Our medic is called ‘Sgt Larwasa‘, not ‘Dr. Feelgood‘.

38) Our supply Sgt is ‘Sgt Watkins‘ not ‘Sugar Daddy‘.

39) Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

40) I do not have super-powers.

41) ‘Keep on Trucking‘ is *not* a psychological warfare message.

42) Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind‘s baser instincts in recruitment posters.

43) Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

44) I am not the atheist chaplain.

45) I am not allowed to ‘Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddies little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies‘.

46) I am not authorized to fire officers.

47) I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.

48) I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.

49) Not allowed to trade military equipment for ‘magic beans‘.

50) Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.

51) Not allowed to quote ‘Dr Seuss‘ on military operations.

52) Not allowed to yell ‘Take that Cobra‘ at the rifle range.

53) Not allowed to quote ‘Full Metal Jacket ‘ at the rifle range.

54) ‘Napalm sticks to kids‘ is *not* a motivational phrase.

55) An order to ‘Put Kiwi on my boots‘ does *not* involve fruit.

56) An order to ‘Make my Boots black and shiny‘ does not involve electrical tape.

57) The proper response to a lawful order is not ‘Why?‘

58) The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we‘ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

59) May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.

60) 'The Giant Space Ants‘ are not at the top of my chain of command.

61) If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean 'I have been promoted three more times than you‘.

62) It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.

63) Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.

64) Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.

65) There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

66) There is no 'Anti-Mime‘ campaign in Bosnia.

67) I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

68) I may not line my helmet with tin foil to 'Block out the space mind control lasers‘.

69) May not pretend to be a facist stormtrooper, while on duty.

70) I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.

71) I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.

72) May not wear gimp mask while on duty.

73) No military functions are to be performed 'Skyclad‘.

74) Woad is not camouflage makeup.

75) May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.

76) "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.

77) The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don‘t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."

78) I may not call block my chain of command.

79) I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.

80) Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.

81) May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.

82) May not form any press gangs.

83) Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."

84) Must not use military vehicles to 'Squish‘ things.

85) Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.

86) May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the 'field of honor‘.

87) If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

88) Must not refer to 1st Sgt as 'Mom‘.

89) Must not refer to the Commander as 'Dad‘.

90) Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.

91) I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

92) When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony 'Romper Bomper Stomper Boo‘ is probably not appropriate.

93) Nerve gas is not funny.

94) Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

95) I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

96) 'Redneck Zombies‘ is not a military training aid.

97) Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.

98) The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not 'Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.‘

99) A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.

100) Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.

101) I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.

102) Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".

103) My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.

104) Vodka, green food coloring, and a 'Cool Mint' Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.

105) I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.

106) I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD's.

107) Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.

108) Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.

109) I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.

110) Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.

111) I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.

112) When saluting a 'leg' officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".

113) There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from 'Full Monty' every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".

114) I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.

115) I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.

116) Crucifying mice - bad idea.

117) Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.

118) Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.

119) I cannot arrest children for being rude.

120) An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.

121) I should not use government resources to 'waterproof' dirty magazines.

122) Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.

123) I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.

124) Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

125) Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

126) Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

127) 'No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages' does not imply that a Jack Daniel's ® IV is acceptable.

128) "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.

129) The Microsoft ® 'Dancing Paperclip' is not authorized to countermand any orders.

130) 'I'm drunk' is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.

131) No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.

132) The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.

133) The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.

134) The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.

135) An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.

136) Shouting 'Let's do the village! Let's do the whole ******* village!' while out on a mission is bad.

137) Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.

138) Even if my commander did it.

139) Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.

140) I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.

141) Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove 'The Pen is Mightier than the sword'.

142) ‘Calvin-Ball‘ is not authorized PT.

143) I do not need to keep a ‘range card‘ by my window.

144) ‘K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free‘ is not an authorized uniform.

145) I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146) Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

147) I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.

148) Putting red ‘Mike and Ike‘s‘ ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.

149) Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.

150) On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.

151) The proper way to report to my Commander is ‘Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir‘ not ‘You can‘t prove a thing!‘

152) The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.

153) I should not assign new privates to ‘guard the flight line‘.

154) Shouldn‘t treat ‘piss-bottles‘ with extra-strength icy hot.

155) Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.

156) I will no longer perform ‘lap-dances‘ while in uniform.

157) If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.

158) The revolution is not now.

159) When detained by MP‘s, I do not have a right to a strip search.

160) No part of the military uniform is edible.

161) Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.

162) Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.

163) Take that hat off.

164) There is no such thing as a were-virgin.

165) I do not get ‘that time of month‘.

166) No, the pants are not optional.

167) Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

168) Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

169) Not even if they *are* ‘especially patriotic films‘

170) Not allowed to ‘defect‘ to OPFOR during training missions.

171) On training missions, try not to shoot down the General‘s helicopter.

172) ‘A full magazine and some privacy‘ is not the way to help a potential suicide.

173) I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.

174) Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it‘s actually DOD policy).

175) We do not ‘charge into battle, naked, like the Celts‘.

176) Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.

177) I am not to refer to a formation as ‘the boxy rectangle thingie‘.

178) I am not ‘A lesbian trapped in a man‘s body‘.

179) On Army documents, my race is not ‘Other‘.

180) Nor is it ‘Secretariat, in the third‘.

181) Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.

182) There is no FM for ‘wall-to-wall counseling‘.

183) My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®

184) When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something ‘I saw in a cartoon‘.

185) My name is not a killing word.

186) I am not the Emperor of anything.

187) Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.

188) May not challenge officers to ‘Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn‘.

189) Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.

190) Must not make s‘mores while on guard duty.

191) Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

192) The proper response to a briefing is not ‘That‘s what you think‘.

193) The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.

194) Shouldn‘t take incriminating photos of my chain of command.

195) Shouldn‘t use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.

196) I am not allowed to give tattoos.

197) I am not allowed to sing ‘Henry the VIII I am‘ until verse 68 ever again.

198) Not allowed to lead a ‘Coup‘ during training missions.

199) I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.

200) My chain of command is not interested in why I ‘just happen‘ to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.

201) Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

202) Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.

203) ‘To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.

204) NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."

205) Don‘t write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")

206) Not allowed to get shot.

207) The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)

208) Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.

209) An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)

210) Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

211) Don‘t ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.

212) Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don‘t have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.

213) Do not convince NCO‘s that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.
 
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