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Your Funniest/ Favorite War Stories

Thank you for starting this thread, Franko, as it is a really good idea! :) :D
 
wildfong, RHF, I knew a M/Cpl Leffler back in 1980, a real class act. Glad to hear he‘s still in.
 
Now Franko, thats low........

When I get back from leave.....
 
Ok blame Franko. He told me some people are actually reading these and that‘s all the encouragement I need. This one is no Bull, literally.

In the mid 1980's I was working as a platoon 2ic for a summer Basic Infantry Course (TQ1 QL 3, whatever it's called now) with the RNFLDR (yeah it seems all my best stories are from the time I was with them.) It was six days in the boonies, and bring them back into St. Johns on Saturday afternoon, clean kit, get paid and pick up the hung over bodies up Sunday evening to take out again. Kept that up for 6 weeks and then dragged them to Gagetwon for Milcon.

We were running it out around Conception Bay Harbour Grace for those who know the Rock using a lot of the crown land out there as training areas. Great training areas BTW, rolling hills, copses treelines, fields, valleys, creeks, bogs.

This one night we're sending the boys out on section sized recce. As luck would have it one of the section commanders (Marshall your favourite instructor from CLC) developed this wicked cough and the Pl Comd thought it best if he not go. hard to sneak and peak with someone acting like an extra in a Fishermans Friend commercial right.

So guess who got to take his place. Hey I figured it was better than spending half the night sitting in the vehicle cab leafing through the platoon commanders new junior general's kit and listening to his take on the world at large.

Besides what could go wrong? It wasn't raining, the CO was nowhere around, and I'd already made Sgt.

So a couple of hours later and we're out blundering through the boonies when he hit this wire fence. No problem we cross it tactically and silently. Hey it was an instant training aide for obstacle crossing drills or so I thought. On we go and in the distance about 20-30 yards away we see another fence. This one appears to have a metal or wooden sign tacked on it.

It's time for a brief halt anyway so I put the boys in all around do a quick nav check and decide to satisfy my curiosity about the signs. We might have blundered into private property, but most of the locals know we're in the area as we've been there for about 4 weeks and don't mind. I task one of the troopies to jog over to the sign and see what it says.

A couple of minutes later he's back and tells me it said, â Å“beware of bull.â ? Ok no big whoop, I pass the word quietly around that nobody is to stray into the other field and why. A few minutes later and we're on our way again.

What the numpty didn't tell me was the sign was on the other side of the post.

A few minutes later I notice a large dark shadow a few yards off. We moved past it and I thought it was a rock or a bush until it a) moved, b) stood up c) snorted and d) charged.

Well I'll tell you adrenalin is a wonderous thing. I've never in my entire lengthy and undistinguished military career seen a fully equipped, heavily armed section of 031s move as fast as those guys did that night towards and over that fence. One second they were all behind me in single file and the next they were ahead of me and moving faster than the locals at the legion when they ring for last call.

For their part they were talking about the demented Sgt Matador for days after.
It turns out I wheeled brought my SMG up and let loose with a whole 30 rd mag of 9mm blanks at the bull by pure instinct before running and clearing the fence faster than the troopies.

The rest of the evening's patrol was scrubbed. It's hard to be sneaky when you keep breaking out in nervous giggles and your heart‘s still pounding a mile a minute.
 
Priceless Dan, Priceless...

Ever try that with the Buffalo in Wainwright?

Some Brits attempted to run across the paddock one evening...I wasn‘t there for that incident but the end result is a sign on the fence outside warning would be thrill seekers that if they are going to run across this field they should do it in 9 seconds, cause the Buffalo can do it in ten... :skull:
 
BWWWAHAHAHAHAAAaaaaa :D
Glad all of you are enjoying the thread I thought up.
Master Blaster...care to share?

Great stories guys! Keep ‘em comin‘!

BTW Armymedic...I‘ll take you on in the Dojo...even let you take the first swing :D ;)

(just kiddin‘ troops...we actually get along great)

Regards
 
Originally posted by Franko:
[qb] And Lexi we wouldn‘t have your company either ;) :D

As for how I would survive...no idea, have to play that one out for real...hope I‘m never in that situation.

Regards [/qb]
I feel special :D
 
Well, I must say I have been enjoying all of these stories immensely, and am a little sad because with less than two years in, I hardly have any stories that come even close to those already here. I have nothing that can top ‘em.

But I can share a couple of slightly quirky snapshots of last summer, when I was at Meaford for SQ/BIQ.

- First weekend, and confined to base, our pl comd decided to give us some R&R and do a trip to the "beach". Fully expecting sand and surf, I packed accordingly: pt gear and towel. Well the "beach", it turns out, was a stoney shoreline, the water was ice cold (in was still only June), and the sun never came out all day. In spite of this, several lads were sun-fooked as the UV was hitting us all day (we had to spend the ENTIRE day there, as it was "out of sight, out of mind" for the pl comd‘s boss). The lads got extremely bored, and some fun and games involving crayfish and exposed nether regions were started. Several bets were taken and several arses became meals for hungry crayfish. Instructors owed us beers, but we couldn‘t collect until the end of the course.

- I got duped REAL good by a friendly A&SHofC Sgt during the SQ FTX. After being awake for many hours, and trying to dig our trench through the night, only getting down about 18" in the hard red Meaford clay, Sgt So-and-So pops around to check on the morale (and alertness) of the troops. "Hey, I got a hammock set up back in the admin area, if you need to catch some winks, I‘m letting troops take turns". We already had our morning stand-to, and it sounded like a reasonable offer at the time, so I fell for it. "Sure, thing Sgt!" says I. "Well grab your rifle, and come on back with me," so off I go! Half way there, "Oh, you‘re gonna need your sleeping bag, you can‘t use mine". So back to the trench I go, grab the sleeping bag valise, and then double back to the admin area, all the while following the track plan. On arrival at the admin area, I‘m standing around waiting for the Sgt, and the other staff are averting their eyes and semi-stifling their giggles. Took me a while to catch on. Sgt comes back: "Oh, yeah can‘t do it today we‘re about to start the patrols and stuff, go on back to the trench"... ha ha, joke‘s on me! Now I am very wary of offers for a "hammock set up at the admin area", especially from A&SH CAN Sgts!

- A particular sect 2ic had irked our entire section, no matter what we did to try and do things right, like every new MCpl, he was always able to bring us down several notches and rub it in to boot. It became very tiresome, and so as a result, we started working to rule a bit, and taking his instructions literally. During the BIQ FTX, my fireteam partner and I were one of the security elements on a simple road/bridge ambush (we started out night recce, and got zero sleep the whole night waiting for the main force to arrive). So, MCpl Unpopular arrives and gives us instructions, telling us to take up a position over there in the tall grass and to remain standing. It was still dark, but dawn was fast approaching. At one point, one of us crouched down, but the good MCpl, in an urgent whisper, said to keep standing. Ok, if you insist! Receiving no further instructions, we were STILL standing at day break, and about 25 mins later when the EN force coasted down the road, led by our course officer. "What the *&%@ are those two troops doing standing in the middle of that field?!?!?" Of course, the "ambush" still went off, and MCpl Unpopular lost a gasket when we tried to explain that we were ordered to remain standing. But, it was the God‘s honest truth! Gotcha, Lorne Scots! Needless to say, neither me or my partner got Top Candidate!

Hope you get a chuckle out of those at least... it may take me a while to get some really high calibre "war stories" though...
 
portcullisguy, see you do have a few. Just imagine how many you‘ll have in ten years! Then they‘ll be ones about how you picked on the newbies.

That by the way is a time honoured tradition as Franko noted in the sky hook tale. Ok hands up how many were sent to QM looking for a BFA for the mortar or a pull through for the Carl G or whatever when you first got in? :D

Slim there were Buffalso in that Paddock? now you tell me!

Yeah I found that out the hard way on my first time in Wainwright. Walking home from town after a few too many brewskis and decided to take what looked like a good short cut at the time. Hey I knew I was drunk but when the rocks and bushes started moving and snorting I decided to get back over the fence and use the main road.
 
...there is a pullthrough for the Carl G...

:confused:

I don‘t have much to tell, but there were a couple incidents off my SQ that I can think of off hand.

*Before a field ‘trip‘, we were waiting around outside of the Dundurn stores when one of us pitiful recruits managed to leave their bush cap inside. The Master Corporals, being the amused-sadists (respectfully) that they are hung the cap up on the door frame, had us all gather around and pray to the bush-cap gods in a pagan ritual until we were forgiven!

*Another less amusing (at the time) incident occurred when on the FTX we had a stand-to in early morning, where we all frantically rushed out
to our trenches, (approx 75 metres uphill from our treeline biv) and begen returning fire from the attackers. My section was feeling quite happy, until we realized that we were missing two people, who were still sleeping...Since they happened to be the Carl G team, had any armour come at us we would have been helpless. Needless to say, we were quite chewed out over that, but it did expose a fatal flaw in the buddy/fireteam system :D
 
I got one guy real good. Told him to go get the boresight for the MBGDs from the FCS techs. He looked at me with a weird look. The WO yelled at him"Well...what are you waiting for? The Cpl told you to go get it..SO MOVE!"

He came back 4 hours later...shaking and pure white, looking to see if the WO was around. From around the back of the tank rushed the WO. The poor guy let out an"eeeep!" in shock. The WO passed him a coffee and said "Welcome to the troop".

Regards
 
As portcullisguy, I‘m about as newbie as they come but I hope you guys‘ll enjoy these fairly amusing moments from my BMQ/SQ last summer.

Story #1: I‘ve already told this story on another board but it‘s a classic and worth repeating.
So we‘re out on our SQ FTX and it‘s time for lunch, and time to learn how to light them Coleman stoves. Well, this one guy (not the brightest penny in the fountain) turns the gas on, lights the match and gets distracted for a moment, and the gas catches, this HUGE flame shoots up and gets some of the scrim on his helmet.
So he‘s just sitting there smiling away, pleased that he managed to get the stove lit on the first try, and we‘re all staring at the huge flame coming from his head saying ****** your helmet‘s on fire! He‘s looking back like ‘what?‘ (with this dimly confused look on his face) YOUR HELMET‘S ON FIRE! So finally the MCpl instructor gets himself together (he was trying really hard not to laugh) and grabs his helmet and puts the fire out, as we all roll around on the grass laughing hysterically.

Story #2: So it‘s the end of another week, and the idea in Shilo here was that the best platoon of the week would win the ‘commandant‘s pennant‘, and some much-coveted reward that went with it (a trip in to brandon, for example.)

So anyway, this week 2 platoon had won, and the course senior goes up to the commandant to collect the pennant on behlaf of his platoon. I guess the moron must have been asleep when they taught ‘saluting with arms‘, cause he halts, salutes the commandant with his LEFT hand, and was about to take the pennant while the commandant gives him this look that could melt ice. So he transfers to rifle over to his other hand and salutes with his right, as all the instructors standing behind her bore holes in the guy with their eyes. I don‘t know what happenned to the guy (he wasn‘t in my platoon) but I wouldn‘t have wanted to be there when his instructors got to him.

Story #3: (I‘m remembering more)So it‘s the night of the course party. (Ours had been a completely bone-dry course and none of us had seen any alcohol for almost 2 months.) One guy (again this was in another platoon) is completely drunk and is lying on his bed. Our pl comd (an Lt, who happenned to be on duty that night) walks in. He goes right up to the guy: ‘pte *****, were you drinking tonight?‘

The guy answers back, ‘yes corporal!‘
the Lt‘s expression changes and he says, ‘wait, say my rank again‘
‘Corporal!‘(I guess he was so drunk, the bars looked like hooks, I don‘t know)
‘Here, look, I‘ll even take my epaulette off for you. Just....just tell me what I am‘
‘Corporal! (meanwhile, his roommate, with this look of horror on his face, elbows the drunk) uh.....Master Cpl? Sgt? Warrant?....(he leans closer) holy $hit! Lieutenant! I‘m sorry sir!
I think the Lt was too disgusted by this little display to say anything further.
 
A story of what happens when I get stupid drunk.

It was during Cold Fusion last March (work up training ex for reservists going to Bosnia) and I was a GD.
One night we just decided to drink inside, play some euchre. Normally I pace myself, but that night I had 5 beers and 10 shots of JD and vodka. Being small Asian that I am, it meant bad news for me.
So, the guys in there see me get horribly drunk and one guy dared me to do a crazy russian. (snorting a shot of vodka through nose) By this time, I was so out of it that I would have slept with the most fugly girl in the world. I did two.
Somehow I stumbled back to my shacks, (apparently I marched back with full extension of arms and everything) and I insulted everyone I met. I don‘t know why I didn‘t get beat up. (By this time, I don‘t remember much, so this is what my friend tells me)
My friend puts me to bed and goes away. When they came back to check on me, I was gone. Couple of shouts of ‘Where the **** is he?‘
They find me in the bathroom hurling chunks into the water fountain apparently. It must have became the amusement of the entire floor as everyone got inside the bathroom and bunch of guys with beer chanting and my face looking like a prune. (My friend took a video of this with a digital camera)
Somehow they drag my *** back to bed and I shouted stuff like ‘Wipe my face! Wipe my face!‘ and ‘My liver hurts!‘. The medic was brought in to see if I was going to die. A sentry was posted on me just in case I did die or something.

Next morning I get up and you can guess how I felt. Actually, I didn‘t feel too bad. I got dressed for work and got transported to range where I was sentry. The range officer wants to talk with me and I almost pissed my pants as this big black guy who‘s also in a SWAT team jacks me up for being stupid.
The hangover really didn‘t hit until I was at my post. Luckily, all I had to do was sit inside the truck with the radio.
For next couple of days, I was known as ‘the kid who got horribly drunk‘. Even some reg force guys knew about this. Stories does travel fast in the army.
 
Sorry kirkpatrick, hadn‘t had my morning coffee. Meant to say M-72.

Hey I‘m old give me a break. :(
 
Perfectly alright,

even us young upstarts make mistakes too.

The difference is that we get yelled at more... :eek:
 
Pte.Bloggins I remember that Lt well. I think he liked to walk around give everyone crap. Is that 4 platoon you‘re talking about in #3 because I think we had this happen. We also had one guy sleeping on his bed fully clothed. The Lt came in, asks if the guy is drunk, kicks the guy‘s shoe to wake him up, guy gets up half way, says "Sir" and passes out.
 
OK troops...everyone has a drinking story. Everyone‘s been there and done that.

Let‘s try to keep it to being sober...like you would be if you were on ROTO...can‘t stand hearing all the booze stories...sweet drunk talk...er..

Like I said...NO MORE DRINKING STORIES :D

Regards
 
Just miss being treated like a 32 yr old adult should. :mad:

Mind you some of the youngins‘ can‘t handle 2 beer a day :rolleyes:

Regards
 
Alrighty, I‘m one of the newish troopies too, so.. well.. yeah.

Anyways, SQ FTX this summer in WATC Wainwright. I was in the Pl that got cocked relentlessley. (For those who were in the other platoons, remember that weekend you guys got off? And *we* where sweeping the ******* roads around the shacks? yeah.. that Pl)

Anyways, we did out FTX beside another platoon, although not togethor. I don‘t even think they where attacked in thier defensive positions once.

I‘ve got a couple of short stories..

Firstly, I was C9 gunner for half the ex (The previous c9 gunner twisted his ankle in a gopher hole). This one evening, We where on 25% stand to, and we‘d gotten a meal downrange, and I figured it was prime opportunity to field strip my C9 to clean it up a bit. Out Sect Commander strolled down to our hide where we where sitting, with his hands clasped behind his back. He asked us how we where doing. "Not bad Sgt" where most of the replies. The Sgt then smiled, and from behind his back produced an arty sim. The second I saw that, I looked back to my now field stripped C9, and back to the SGT again, just as he threw it. Needless to say, I had a fun time scrambling to get that thing back togethor and run up to the trenches.

I‘ve got some more recruit course stories (from the angle of a recruit ;) ), but I‘ve got to bug out right now...
 
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