Leaving Children For Training, Etc. -Merged

[211RadOp]

I had just finished typing a reply, when I timed out. The long and short of it, tell them to mind there own business.

 

[geo]

CG... as I pointed out, the soldier is no different to a sales rep, trucker or whoever else lives outa a suitcase.
People don't look down on them - do they ???  Soldiers & their chain of command have done trmendous work to look after the family while you are away on course, TD OR deployed.

Your kids will grow up, they will live in a stable environment.

 

[Celticgirl]

CG... as I pointed out, the soldier is no different to a sales rep, trucker or whoever else lives outa a suitcase.
People don't look down on them - do they ???  Soldiers & their chain of command have done trmendous work to look after the family while you are away on course, TD OR deployed.

Your kids will grow up, they will live in a stable environment.

True enough. I wonder if anyone reminds them of their 'parental responsibilities' when they are going away on a business trip?

 

[George Wallace]

I don't think you understood the main point of my thread. I have accepted that this is the way it is going to be, and I am far from making any excuses. I'm committed to my new career and everything that comes with it. I just want to know how others deal with intrusive negative comments about leaving their children for long periods of time.

I'm not saying that you are making excuses.  I am saying that there are no excuses for what is happening to members of the CF.  It is not something new, and many have gone through the same as you, over the last sixty years.  Many on this site are children of Service members who have been away for long periods.  They have not seen much, if anything, in the way of discrimination because of it. 

You have a perceived view that really is quite trivial and not worth your putting any serious worries or doubts on it.  You will do just fine, and you will have many friends and acquaintances to support you during those periods.  As I said, times have changed and members of the CF have many support networks today, that were nonexistent fifteen years ago.

 

[Celticgirl]

I'm not saying that you are making excuses.  I am saying that there are no excuses for what is happening to members of the CF.  It is not something new, and many have gone through the same as you, over the last sixty years.  Many on this site are children of Service members who have been away for long periods.  They have not seen much, if anything, in the way of discrimination because of it. 

You have a perceived view that really is quite trivial and not worth your putting any serious worries or doubts on it.  You will do just fine, and you will have many friends and acquaintances to support you during those periods.  As I said, times have changed and members of the CF have many support networks today, that were nonexistent fifteen years ago.

Thanks, George. I guess spending more time with other CF members will be helpful, too. I'm aware of the support networks and will be very grateful to have them when I am in (still a few months to go yet). I guess I do feel somewhat selfish pursuing this dream when I could have instead found a job that kept me home more, but I "went for the gold" because it's what I want. I know my daughter will be fine. I think it's me that I worry about. 

 

[George Wallace]

Canada's society is very mobile and has changed a lot from the 1950's/60's.  Today's families for the most part consist of two "Bread Winners".  There are very few 'stay at home' moms or dads.  The CF, as was pointed out, is not the only occupations where you are going to see this happening.  The CF, however, has set up some support networks for military families, to help them cope with these separations. 

 

[abo]

My 0.02$

Living with her other parents/grandparents your daughter will have a nice change of environment. It will be a chance for her to pick up some more life experience independent of what you've already undoubtedly provided. It might be tough for her but beneficial overall.

In the future after you've returned from training/postings you can impart your newly learned life experiences to her. She stands to benefit doubly from you leaving.

"Abandoned" I think is an overly harsh term, especially considering she will no doubt have all the necessities and comforts in her new home. Big deal if you are not around to dote over her.

 

[Eye In The Sky]

Celticgirl,

My dad was aircrew (Argus, ASW type).  The first 10-11 years of my life he was gone more than not.  Including a 2 year posting to 404 Sqn in Greenwood from CFB Summerside, where "he was there and we remained in PEI" (4 kids in school...).  Look how I turned out!

Errr.  Wait bad example!  ;D

Seriously, I am aware of some of the back-asswards ways of thinking that come along with living with some people who have never left the province they were born in (damn island people!).  I don't have any words of advice other than this:

What counts the most is how your daughter feels about it, that she understands why you are leaving, how long it will be for, and that you WILL see her when you can and hey, with cell phones you can talk to her pretty much every night, even if only for a few minutes. 

What the rest of the Peanut Gallery says and thinks is so far away from being important compared to that, they aren't even a friggin' blip on the radar.    NFI - Not F**kin' Important

 

[CallOfDuty]

  Abandoned may be a harsh term, but really, when you are away from your loved ones for week upon week upon week upon month at a time...there will be many nights where you will feel like you've abandoned your loved ones.  You will question why you are laying on some crappy DND mattress when all you want to be is home in your own bed. 
    If I were being sent on a 6 month ROTO to Afghanistan, I would have to do up to 6 months of pre deployment training before I even leave for the desert. Thats a year away from home!!  I honestly don't know if my family could handle that much time apart???
  I don't want to be too negative........and of course all of us with families are doing what we do to help support them, and make life better for them.  It's definately a sacrifice.  For you and your loved ones. Things to think about I guess? 
 
 

 

[Celticgirl]

Canada's society is very mobile and has changed a lot from the 1950's/60's.  Today's families for the most part consist of two "Bread Winners".  There are very few 'stay at home' moms or dads.  The CF, as was pointed out, is not the only occupations where you are going to see this happening.  The CF, however, has set up some support networks for military families, to help them cope with these separations. 

The stay-at-home moms appear to be the ones most bothered by it, oddly enough. Perhaps they are jealous of my career ambitions?    You're correct, though. The world has changed, and I don't think that people are necessarily worse off with their less-than-traditional upbringings nowadays.

My 0.02$

Living with her other parents/grandparents your daughter will have a nice change of environment. It will be a chance for her to pick up some more life experience independent of what you've already undoubtedly provided. It might be tough for her but beneficial overall.

In the future after you've returned from training/postings you can impart your newly learned life experiences to her. She stands to benefit doubly from you leaving.

"Abandoned" I think is an overly harsh term, especially considering she will no doubt have all the necessities and comforts in her new home. Big deal if you are not around to dote over her.

I need to post this on a wall somewhere! Hopefully, you are right about this being beneficial for her. I do hope that someday she, too, goes after what she wants...and gets it!

What counts the most is how your daughter feels about it, that she understands why you are leaving, how long it will be for, and that you WILL see her when you can and hey, with cell phones you can talk to her pretty much every night, even if only for a few minutes. 

What the rest of the Peanut Gallery says and thinks is so far away from being important compared to that, they aren't even a friggin' blip on the radar.    NFI - Not F**kin' Important

She's taking it surprisingly well, actually. She understands why I am going and that it will be good for us both in the long run. She knows I will be able to talk to her on the phone and write letters when I'm in training, so that will ease the pain of the distance for both of us somewhat. She also knows that I would prefer not to be away from her for so long, but that it is a sacrifice I need to make for this job. I think that we will both have rough times next year, but we will both come through it just fine.

I just need to deal with the little bit of guilt I have nagging me and folks who give me the 'what about your daughter?' diatribe are making it considerably worse for me at the moment. The comments above do help, though! It's good to hear from people who don't think I am ruining her life by pursuing a military career.

 

[Celticgirl]

  Abandoned may be a harsh term, but really, when you are away from your loved ones for week upon week upon week upon month at a time...there will be many nights where you will feel like you've abandoned your loved ones.  You will question why you are laying on some crappy DND mattress when all you want to be is home in your own bed. 
    If I were being sent on a 6 month ROTO to Afghanistan, I would have to do up to 6 months of pre deployment training before I even leave for the desert. Thats a year away from home!!  I honestly don't know if my family could handle that much time apart???
  I don't want to be too negative........and of course all of us with families are doing what we do to help support them, and make life better for them.  It's definately a sacrifice.  For you and your loved ones. Things to think about I guess?      

So, Tango, are you saying that if you were deployed, you would refuse to go?

 

[CallOfDuty]

Noooo of course not...  I signed on the dotted line, and at the time knew that it included time away from home.  But as my contract is coming closer to an end....my wife and I will be discussing what is best for our family. 
    I love being in the military so far, have met some great people, and have done some great things, but in the end I think family comes first....so I'll do whats best for them.  And if thats getting a job driving city bus....or loading airplanes or whatever...  I'll do that.
  If staying in is the best option, then I'll do that 
Cheers
TH

 

[aesop081]

Kids get used to it fast......My daughter's reaction to me leaving is " Who is taking care of me, where are you going and when do you think you are going to be back ?"

Days where i come home running through the door grabbing my suitcase she says " I have my phone on, i'll go stay with __________ if you dont make it home tonight"

She's only 11........


CC, the people telling you this stuff, dont deserve your time. You will be around plenty of people who live the same life as you ,who will understand. Most of those people have fantastic families. Heck, i grew up a military brat and didnt see my dad alot. It was almost a badge of honour amongst kids how we managed.

 

[ENGINEERS WIFE]

Celticgirl

After having read all these posts.  Sometimes, letting it roll off your back is easier said than done, but take your advice from people that are successful and to hell with the rest.  >
I am a military spouse and have stayed home with my daughters their whole lives. (13&10)  Their father has away a lot and so, this is life in the army.  We all learn to live with it.  It is the life I have chosen.  My kids have not 'chosen' it, I have done that for them.  My kids are some of the most well adjusted kids I have ever met.  Life is not always easy, and being able to adapt and overcome (do I sound 'army' or what?  LOL) whatever life throws at you is a really great quality.
Having a child that can make her way comfortably in the world is a great.  Having a mother that can make her way through the world confidently is an even greater gift to give to your child. 
Not knowing you or your daughter, I can read in your posts that you love her dearly and I am sure she feels the same about you. 
No distance, time or what someone else said will change that! 
If you are confident with your decision, she will sense that.
Not too sugarcoat it, it will be hard, but, you will both overcome and come out stronger in the end. 
That is what love is all about!

You go girl!!!  ;D 

 

[geo]

Umm...
I hate to say it but, while kids are most often able to bounce back and go with the flow, things turn bad when people tell them how they should be reacting to things...

Teacher tells em that they must be upset cause their dad/mom is away fighting a way.... kid gets confused and, possibly upset - created "fait acompli"

 

[George Wallace]

Umm...
I hate to say it but, while kids are most often able to bounce back and go with the flow, things turn bad when people tell them how they should be reacting to things...

Teacher tells em that they must be upset cause their dad/mom is away fighting a way.... kid gets confused and, possibly upset - created "fait acompli"

So true.  Sometimes the problems lie in the Education System.  Not the System or curriculum per say, but in the people who have managed to enter the System and impress young students with their 'political agendas'.

 

[Celticgirl]

CC, the people telling you this stuff, dont deserve your time. You will be around plenty of people who live the same life as you ,who will understand. Most of those people have fantastic families. Heck, i grew up a military brat and didnt see my dad alot. It was almost a badge of honour amongst kids how we managed.

You're right...they don't deserve my time and I shouldn't even be listening to them. I need to start changing the subject or walking away when I hear such comments. I am sure I won't be the only person on my courses with a family waiting for them 'back home'. A friend of mine and my fiance's is in St. Jean right now and has 3 little girls (the youngest is 4), and she's finding it a challenge but getting through it. She lives in a military town, though, so I'm sure she got plenty of support before she left.

Not too sugarcoat it, it will be hard, but, you will both overcome and come out stronger in the end. 
That is what love is all about!

You go girl!!!  ;D 

Thanks, EW! I think we will both be stronger after having gone through this experience! As the saying goes, 'if it were easy, everyone would do it'.

Umm...
I hate to say it but, while kids are most often able to bounce back and go with the flow, things turn bad when people tell them how they should be reacting to things...

Teacher tells em that they must be upset cause their dad/mom is away fighting a way.... kid gets confused and, possibly upset - created "fait acompli"

Ugh! I didn't even think of that. I will have a talk with her father and stepmother before I leave about doing some damage control if that happens. I'm not fighting any wars this coming year, so the only thing that she could be upset about is me not being here full-time. She knows I will be safe because I've told her that. No one had better tell her otherwise!

 

[leroi]

Hi Celticgirl,

Though not a member of the CF,  as a single mother, I  successfully raised two children (my daughter is now 27 and my son is 21) and was sometimes criticized for not being able to spend as much time  with them as I would have liked--I was holding down two jobs while attending university full-time. My children learned some valuable lessons; it taught the family to pull together and work through adversity. I want to share my motto with you; it helped me through some tough times--courtesy of Dr. Seuss:

Be who you are and say what you feel
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind.
  ​

Best of luck to you Celticgirl!
 

 

[Celticgirl]

Hi Celticgirl,

Though not a member of the CF,  as a single mother, I  successfully raised two children (my daughter is now 27 and my son is 21) and was sometimes criticized for not being able to spend as much time  with them as I would have liked--I was holding down two jobs while attending university full-time. My children learned some valuable lessons; it taught the family to pull together and work through adversity. I want to share my motto with you; it helped me through some tough times--courtesy of Dr. Seuss:

Be who you are and say what you feel
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind.
    ​

Best of luck to you Celticgirl!  

Ah, Dr. Seuss...the best poet of all time.   Thanks, Leroi! Your story is wonderfully encouraging.

 

[Eye In The Sky]

I'm not fighting any wars this coming year, so the only thing that she could be upset about is me not being here full-time. She knows I will be safe because I've told her that. No one had better tell her otherwise!

And...being that you two have the amount of time you have to talk about, and understand (both of you ) what this time apart is all about, how swell would it be if someone said something "untowards" to her about you 'being away fighting the war" or words to that effect and your mini-me responds by saying "actually my mom is in Quebec running in the morning and learning how to march and exercising and stuff like that...so its ok..there's no war in Quebec".

;D

If I may...a suggestion?  If you think it would be something she would like...before you go, go to your post office, buy some stamps and buy a few of those express-post envelopes that you can fit 'little-somethings' in..say big enough to fit something the size of a folded t-shirt into...the pre-paid kinda ones.  Take them with you.  (saves you the PITA of getting them when you are busy on course...which is most of the time).  When you are at the CANEX in the MEGA, you will see they have little things you can send back to her...key chains, t-shirts, etc that have CFLRS, CF, Air Force type logo's on them.  Pick some up when you are there initially, weekly, whenever.  You'll have the envelopes already.  Once a week or 2 weeks or whenever you feel the need to (and you will), you can slip them in an express-post envelope, with a little "thinking of you/love you" note/letter, drop them in the "cart" with the outgoing mail that the CPC will deliver to the Course Duty/Marching NCO daily.  Also, you might feel the need to 'write letters' to her, but sometimes you just won't have the time.  In the CANEX, there is a rack (it used to be in front of the cashier counter) filled with postcards that have CFLRS type pictures on them;  buy 6, 8, 10 whatever.  You can write enough to fill up a postcard in what...3 minutes? (You've already bought the stamps and have them in your personal drawer in your locker ) She'll get a different one everytime...there's enough of them you can do that...(not every week will be one where you can send them...you'll be in Farn-wright some of it...) and will be tickled pink about it IMO.  Talkin' on the cell/phone is one thing...gettin' something in the mail from "mommy"?  Priceless!

This will be good for her morale...AND yours.  I suggested it to a female mom-away-from-her-kids for the first time Recruit I had back in '98 in Gagetown...it worked for her.  Sometimes, its the little simple things that can make it easier.