Friendship and social life in the CAF

[Haggis]

Then I would say you must be one of the rare people whose marriage did not fail because of their overattachment to the military. Most of the people I see at the mess are at least on the second wife, if not third or fourth.

I daresay that the bolded portion of your quote is a generalization and, quite honestly, a presumption.  Do you know exactly why those marriages broke up?  Could it be PERSTEMPO? Infidelity by the spouse left behind during deployments?  A general imcompatability?  The list of possible stressors on a military (or any) marriage is long.  I hardly think it's overwhelmingly because of an overattachment to the military.

 

[a_majoor]

Before this goes off the rails, remember that for today's generation, juggling "two families" might mean a biological family and one or more interest groups connected via social media or networking in the civilian community.

Reading the replies you can amost guess the age of the posters, the ones connected via outside interests and social media vs the traditionalists who connect face to face. A very interesting datum, and one which should fill supporters of the mess as an institution with dread: the traditionalists are retiring and becoming a dwindling minority, while the social media crowd expands by leaps and bounds.

 

[RADOPSIGOPACCISOP]

I daresay that the bolded portion of your quote is a generalization and, quite honestly, a presumption.  Do you know exactly why those marriages broke up?  Could it be PERSTEMPO? Infidelity by the spouse left behind during deployments?  A general imcompatability?  The list of possible stressors on a military (or any) marriage is long.  I hardly think it's overwhelmingly because of an overattachment to the military.

No, not neccessarily. But we do know the impact of op tempo on marriages, military life can be unpredictable, and we can be sent away for long stretches with little notice. That's why the time I do have, I rather spend with my wife and family, and not in the mess. We all have our personal priorities and family is my number one. Maybe other people make their job or their work buddies their number one. To each their own, but just because many people rather head home than head to the mess after work, doesn't mean that something is broken or needs to be fixed.

 

[George Wallace]

Then I would say you must be one of the rare people whose marriage did not fail because of their overattachment to the military. Most of the people I see at the mess are at least on the second wife, if not third or fourth.

Sorry, but I know a larger number of people who have very successful marriages and can socialize within and outside of their military and biological families, both as individuals and as couples.  That you have such a tainted view and constantly put it out there for all to judge, does not make your view the sole correct one.  Your point of view is a lot more common in some Trades than in others.  It is less common in those in the Combat Arms (Air, Land and Sea) who live in close proximity with their comrades for extended periods, than for those in Trades who maintain a relatively repetitive "9 to 5" type of job.  It is the camaraderie developed among those who experience the same extremes in life that create social circles which are so useful as a tool for healing during and after traumatic events.  In your case, you would be bringing all your problems home to a family who have no clue what your problem, nor what the cause of your problem, may be. 

I don't really think that you have clued into any of this in any of your years of service.  Some don't. 

Just to clarify, camaraderie does not have to be attendance to a Mess only.  It can include so many other activities within a military sponsored environment or outside of the military environment.  Just because one is a colleague at work, does not dictate that all conversation has to be work related. 

 

[Halifax Tar]

Sorry, but I know a larger number of people who have very successful marriages and can socialize within and outside of their military and biological families, both as individuals and as couples.  That you have such a tainted view and constantly put it out there for all to judge, does not make your view the sole correct one.  Your point of view is a lot more common in some Trades than in others.  It is less common in those in the Combat Arms (Air, Land and Sea) who live in close proximity with their comrades for extended periods, than for those in Trades who maintain a relatively repetitive "9 to 5" type of job.  It is the camaraderie developed among those who experience the same extremes in life that create social circles which are so useful as a tool for healing during and after traumatic events.  In your case, you would be bringing all your problems home to a family who have no clue what your problem, nor what the cause of your problem, may be. 

I don't really think that you have clued into any of this in any of your years of service.  Some don't. 

Just to clarify, camaraderie does not have to be attendance to a Mess only.  It can include so many other activities within a military sponsored environment or outside of the military environment.  Just because one is a colleague at work, does not dictate that all conversation has to be work related.

There are portions of your post that almost constitue and act of plagarisim on my last post.  I guess the old ignore function works eh!

 

[George Wallace]

There are portions of your post that almost constitue and act of plagarisim on my last post.  I guess the old ignore function works eh!

I know those points have been pointed out several times, by several others as well, and still seem to keep sailing over the heads of some.

 

[Fishbone Jones]

Then I would say you must be one of the rare people whose marriage did not fail because of their overattachment to the military. Most of the people I see at the mess are at least on the second wife, if not third or fourth.

First thing is you don't go to the mess, second if the majority is 2nd and 3rd marriages, there must be only two people there. Even in some of the worst outfits, in the lousiest of places, I never found the exaggerated numbers you're spouting. You're in Kingston if I remember correctly, so what your saying is bullshit to bolster your points.

I'm also guessing that people that go from unit to unit encountering the same problems should probably look at the common denominator in their equation. Not their surroundings.

 

[RADOPSIGOPACCISOP]

First thing is you don't go to the mess, second if the majority is 2nd and 3rd marriages, there must be only two people there. Even in some of the worst outfits, in the lousiest of places, I never found the exaggerated numbers you're spouting. You're in Kingston if I remember correctly, so what your saying is bullshit to bolster your points.

I'm also guessing that people that go from unit to unit encountering the same problems should probably look at the common denominator in their equation. Not their surroundings.

Yes, it's my fault that most of them are repeat divorcees. If only I spent more time in the mess their marriages could have been spared.

 

[McG]

It is time for a brief lock.  Maybe in 24 hrs everyone can come back and play nice in this sandbox.

If someone wants to constructively continue this discussion, ask a mod to open it not before tomorrow evening.

 

[Falles]

Can anyone who has been in the CAF for a while tell me what their experiences have been in terms of being able to maintain friendships and an active social life? I have heard a few people say that because of the constant moving, deployments, training and so on, that it is really difficult to form any type of strong bond, or maintain any kind of long term friendship, and that a lot of people become quite lonely and isolated. Do you think this is the case, or have you found it possible to make and keep good friends, people who you see regularly and do things with? Thanks.

 

[dimsum]

I think it's the opposite; those moves, deployments, training courses, etc form some of the strongest bonds due to shared circumstances.  I haven't maintained as many friendships from high school and university, but I can (and have) not seen someone since Basic almost two decades ago and we'll get on like it was yesterday.

As far as the social life, it is what you make of it.  Most bases aren't in large cities so you end up hanging out with your co-workers more than civilian sector.  People get posted regularly but there's probably a good chance you'll run into them again on courses, deployments or future postings.

 

[daftandbarmy]

Can anyone who has been in the CAF for a while tell me what their experiences have been in terms of being able to maintain friendships and an active social life? I have heard a few people say that because of the constant moving, deployments, training and so on, that it is really difficult to form any type of strong bond, or maintain any kind of long term friendship, and that a lot of people become quite lonely and isolated. Do you think this is the case, or have you found it possible to make and keep good friends, people who you see regularly and do things with? Thanks.

How can you not make friends where everyone is dressed the same?

 

[Sub_Guy]

Dimsum nailed it.

Can anyone who has been in the CAF for a while tell me what their experiences have been in terms of being able to maintain friendships and an active social life? I have heard a few people say that because of the constant moving, deployments, training and so on, that it is really difficult to form any type of strong bond, or maintain any kind of long term friendship, and that a lot of people become quite lonely and isolated. Do you think this is the case, or have you found it possible to make and keep good friends, people who you see regularly and do things with? Thanks.

I could see this being an issue with the spouses and children but not so much for the member.  That being said, the MFRCs/PSP have stepped up their game and as a result there are plenty of programs in place for families.

 

[EpicBeardedMan]

Can anyone who has been in the CAF for a while tell me what their experiences have been in terms of being able to maintain friendships and an active social life? I have heard a few people say that because of the constant moving, deployments, training and so on, that it is really difficult to form any type of strong bond, or maintain any kind of long term friendship, and that a lot of people become quite lonely and isolated. Do you think this is the case, or have you found it possible to make and keep good friends, people who you see regularly and do things with? Thanks.

I met my best friend in Basic Training in 2010, he was posted to Esquimalt and I was in Gagetown. We still talk every day online and I was his best man at his wedding. I think the bond you form with people on course or throughout your military career is actually stronger then what you would experience civvie side.

 

[mariomike]

I think the bond you form with people on course or throughout your military career is actually stronger then what you would experience civvie side.

I enjoyed my time in the PRes.

I also think riding with a partner in emergency services develops a strong bond.

 

[EpicBeardedMan]

I enjoyed my time in the PRes.

I also think riding with a partner in emergency services develops a strong bond.

True, I dont see Police, Fire Fighters or I guess emergrncy services as civillian for some reason. My stepfather was a Fire Captain and I have a huge amount of respect for him and the guys on his truck, or any emergency service professional.

 

[Falles]

Thank you all very much for your responses. It is good to know that most people don't find it to be a problem.