Your Funniest/ Favorite War Stories

[redleafjumper]

This isn't a funny story, but it has its lessons.  In 1945, at the end of the war, my father-in-law, then a 13 year-old in the defunct Hitler Jugend, was ordered by the victors to assist, along with other HJ youngsters, in cleaning up any munitions and weapons that were left lying around the streets of their village in the former Sudetenland.  One of the lads found an unfired panzerfaust and a group of the boys gathered around it and proceeded to bash away at the weapon with rifle butts and rocks.  Well, the (insert appropriate expletive) thing went off and burned my future father-in-law's right leg down to the bone below the right knee with the back blast.
His older brother, in hiding as a former member of Liebstandarte A.H. - Fuhrers SS Bodyguard, carried him on his back for some 10 kms or so to a hospital.  The older brother was soon arrested and hung, but the kid made it ok with an amputation below the knee. 

It's an interesting war story from my wife's family...

 

[Franko]

Hitting an unfired Panzerfaust? 

Bet they never did that again!

Regards

 

[redleafjumper]

Bet they never did that again!

No, I think not.  I asked him how he lost his leg as I knew it had happened in the war, and that's what I got.  From what he was saying, he hadn't even hit it, he was just standing behind the tube where the back blast came out.  He had no idea what the warhead did or where it went, but apparently it didn't hit anyone and he was the only casualty.  Pretty tough way to learn about ordnance, especially with what happened to his oldest brother out of it all.

Oh well. let's hear some funny stories again!  I didn't mean to shut this down with that one.

 

[Fraser.g]

A certain snr MCpl on this thread posted a story about a mooning incident from his mega bmq course in Wx.
Yes I was the MCpl that he was referring to and have a few other stories from the same course.
Keep in mind that mine was 12 sect and there were no 2ICs so all training was done by the Sect Cmd.
Now on with the story:

The same young Pte in the story previous had a Section Commander from an armoured recce unit on the prairie. He had coke bottle glasses and a quite strong lisp when he talked.

During IST we were given a strong talk about singling out individuals on the course and to ensure that any corrective training was appropriate for the infraction. Push-ups were not in vogue for any and all punishments.

We proceded back to the tent lines where we carried on with the course prep. Making the candidates folders etc. I glanced over to see the MCpl securing some paracord to the airmatress plug from one of the old rubber ladies. I asked him what he was doing and with out blinking (you would notice) stated that he was making his section plug. He did not grasp that this would be singling out an individual but more of an approved training principal.

Fast forward to the first day of course:

All the candidates were in their tent lines and the staff was to go in and introduce themselves to their sections. I had finished my first rant and stomp and was making my way back to the instructor tent only to hear the MCpl mentioned above start into his. It went something like this. "Welcome to the world of MCPl A.........! It is a SH!$$y place to be...according to my ex-wife." and went down hill from there. I believe he went on about eating deodorant and other silly things but TLM can tell you more about this.

Later in the course the Camp CSM had to kick MCpl A out of the tent at night, he had set up a cot and decided that he would sleep down there to "be closer to his troops". The next morning I was Marching NCO and so had to take the parade for morning PT. I went into the staff tent only to find MCpl A still down there from the day before. He had not slept but was sitting at his desk with a burning arctic candle in front of him and a big tub of toy soldiers he had bought at the canex. Systematically he was biting the heads of the soldiers and with a needle and thread heated over the candle he was making a necklace of little solder heads for himself.

He was promoted to Sgt while on this course.

MCpl A was and still is in and is a great instructor. He was liked by his section but did make them shake their heads with his orders at times...all the time.

There are more of this persons anecdotes but they get a bit colorful.

Ask tlm about them some time over a beer.

 

[X Royal]

When on my TQ 3 Inf course in 1978 a fellow candidate got in sh*t over not having polish in the welts of his boots. When he inquired how to do this he was told to use a tooth brush. The nest morning on inspection it was noticed that his tooth brush was missing from his toiletry drawer. When questioned about this he answered "I used it for me boots" with a black toothed smile.

Pro Patria

 

[patrick666]

I really had some good hardy laughs reading these posts. Thanks for sharing everyone!

This is our proud Canadian army at its finest... Can't wait to be a part of it!

Cheers all,

Patrick

 

[bluehaven]

I was voluntold one year to be an Ambulance driver for 2 field as the new LS AMB<at the time> were in, but no one in 2 field was qualified to drive them... TCPs were set up by some reserve infantry units to not allow people to leave the training areaduring the Ex. Although Field Amb is allowed to leave we still needed the days password.

I drove up to the TCP at about 1300hrs, and a young Pte stood there while his C-9 buddy covered. He challenged me. I quickly replied, that was yesterdays code. So he asked me what todays code was. I replied saying I couldn't tell him because that would be a security infraction, and that he would have to ask his Mcpl.

So he let me through with a wave. When I was beyond earshot the 2 Field Amb medic (that I was driving) asked me why I had told him the pass had changed. I said it was because it changes at 1200 hrs Zulu. She then informed me that 1200 hrs Zulu was in fact 1800hrs local.

Hmm... she was right. Even though we were allowed to pass, I was the idiot for not knowing when Zulu was. I can only imagine the young Pte going up to his Mcpl and asking for the new Code. Then being told that the code he was given was the good one. I would think we both learned a lesson that day.

Hey bud if you're out there and I got you in trouble, sorry 'bout that.

 

[Franko]

When on my TQ 3 Inf course in 1978 a fellow candidate got in sh*t over not having polish in the welts of his boots. When he inquired how to do this he was told to use a tooth brush. The nest morning on inspection it was noticed that his tooth brush was missing from his toiletry drawer. When questioned about this he answered "I used it for me boots" with a black toothed smile.

Pro Patria

Reminds me of a certain CSM who died his hair with the stuff.

Regards

 

[Fraser.g]

I had the opportunity to instruct BMQ at CFD Dundurn in the late 90s. We had one candidate that truly was lost. As a matter of fact he actually got lost between the 100 Meter point and the Buts on the conventional range.
I was the buts NCO for the day and had brought a work party down to set up the targets etc.
After we were done the above mentioned candidate came walking out from behind the buts while I was forming the remainder of the party up to march them back.
Assuming that he had to go and urinate I asked him if he had told anyone that he was going to take a leak? He responded that he was looking for the buts and had not gone to pee.

Shaking my head I asked him to place both hands out in front of him with his palms facing up, with a confused look he did what he was told.

I then asked him to place one hand on each side of his back below his belt line. With an even more bewildered look he complied.

When he had accomplished his task I informed him that he had passed the test.

The test was to see if, infact he could find his own ass with both hands and minimal prompting.

For the rest if his limited career when ever he saw me he, on his own accord, would prove that he still could and had at least remembered that lesson.

 

[Baloo]

One of my own most embarrassing, potentially deadly moments.

Sometime this past summer (forget if it was SQ or BIQ...probably the latter, as I believe we were getting near the end), we were heading down to the mess hall from the shacks at Meaford, for breakfast. Finished our PT, and it was routine as usual. Probably, a little too routine.

You know, when you start counting timings / pace / pre-empting coming commands in your head? Well, unforunately for me, it didn't just stay "in my head". It was so routine, that it hurt. I seemed to know exactly where we would stop, and it had been a long week, for some reason. Maybe I'm just making excuses, who knows. Anyhow, the MCpl marching NCO calls out the platoon, and we ready for the halt right before the mess. One, one, two.

HALT.

The platoon halts. But there is confusion. Mass confusion. It sounded NOTHING like the marching NCO. A couple heads turned, and looked around. The guy next to me laughed. Who had called the halt you ask? It was myself. HOLY F***, I thought. What have I done? I wasn't trying to be funny. I wasn't looking to be an "individual". It just happened. HOLY F***. I'm dead.

"WHO THE F*** SAID THAT? WHO THE F***?" he yelled,

Silence.

Few more obscenities.

"YOU!" he points to the guy laughing next to me. "PICKET TONIGHT!"

Well, he calms down, thinking the case is solved, and I assume he just wanted to eat, because we got marched in.

Well, after breakfast, I told him in front of the platoon that it was me who had called it out. I didn't want the whole group getting PT, work, whatever because of my retardation. I guess he forgot about it, because he had a puzzled look on his face. Then he rememebered, and I joined my buddy on picket. Hey, he laughed right? 

You can bet I my mind was racing whenever we marched after that. That stayed with me for awhile.

 

[Morgs]

I don't have any stories.... yet!
But it is good to see that people are still posting here because its a great thead!!!
Cheers,
Morgs

 

[Slim]

Go Watchpig!!!

 

[tmapplepeel]

Hey Patrick H. the story your talking about sounds exactly the same as the one in True Canadian War Stories. Its called Marked Men and its written by Will R. Bird. Just wondering because it sounds exactly the same except the person in Will R. Bird's story is near Mons in Belgium when they liberated it in WWI. 

 

[patrick666]

Oh, really? I recall reading that book a few years ago so maybe that is the story I was thinking of and just had time/place wrong completely. Sounds about right though now that I think about it!

Cheers

 

[Big Foot]

This past summer, my platoon was given a change parade after PT at the Mega. Now, usually it is the platoon that gets upset/angry/whatever else over said change parade. However, my platoon just quickly, but not quietly did what we were supposed to do. After the third change and shower, our MCpl poked his head into the changing room and yelled "Shut up! This is not a f*cking party!" We all had to try to keep from laughing. Evidently it was the MCpl that got annoyed during the change parade, not the platoon. Good times.

 

[redleafjumper]

I recall on a course I was on in Petawawa, we were four to a room.  The standard drill for the morning inspection was that the D/S would come in and flip the beds over and generally tell us what an effing pig-sty we lived in.  It was so over-done that we decided to have a little fun.  We wired and pinned one mattress sheets and blankets to the bed frame and then purposely left one of the hospital corners just slightly untucked.  We also put several little notes all around the room inscribed with the message "Good morning MCPL!"  Well, It was hilarious when the MCpl came in to do the inspection, he did his usual whirlwind with the white glove, and there were little notes swirling around in the air behind him - he didn't notice any until the oneunder the bag in the garbage can, and then he saw the untucked hospital corner.  You could see the "Ah Ha!" look in his eyes as he grabbed that mattress to turn the bed.  Well of course the whole bed went with the pull, and he couldn't believe it.  He pushed and pulled and finally flipped the whole bed over and jumped on it - it took everything in us to keep from roaring with laughter.  At the end of the show even he was laughing (a little).  It was the last room inspection we ever had.

 

[alan_li_13]

Yesterday morning, the Canadian Ambassador to the Neatherlands and a veteran of the Liberation during WW2 came to our school as part of the Memorial Project. After the presentation, i chatted with the veteran, who turned out to have served with the Artillery as a Sgt. Here's a funny one he told me.

One time, the battery was conducting harrassing fire, when suddenly, about 200 m foward of the gun lines, two soldiers that was obviously wasted on wine stumbled over. Unbeknowns to them, the Arty guys had dug a slit trench, which had filled up with freezing water as it was winter, near that spot.
So one guy, stumbles in, falls, and as the Sgt watches, climbs back out, feels the top of his head, and reaches in to retrieve his hat. He then turns around with his back facing the guns, yank down his pants, and squats down to take a crap.

The Sgt watches and thinks: "The NERVE of this SOB...I gotta do something"
So the Sgt says: "Load"
Troopie: "But Sarge, its not our tur---"
Sgt: "I DON'T GIVE A DAMN, I SAID LOAD!"
so load...fires...BOOM
drunk guy falls over backwards into his newly fecaled trench. HAHAHA

Up comes the radio: "Gun on right of the line that just fired out of turn, REPORT TO HQ"
Of course, nobody does anything.
again: "Gun on right of the line that just fired out of turn, REPORT TO HQ"
Troopie to Sgt: "Uh oh, we're in deep shit now, Sgt"
Suddenly: Number One gun right of the line, traverse 500 m and fire for effect!" (or something along that lines)

During all this commotion on the radio, the drunk man has recovered from his fall and was trying to continue conducting his business.
So the Sgt makes the correct adjustments, loads, and just as the drunk squats down...
BOOM!!!
Rolls back, SPLASH, and down into the trench the drunk goes again. ;D

Pretty Funny story, Theres another funny one he told me concerning his age when he joined.
I love my Veterans

 

[Jonny Boy]

my dad knew this man that was in the German artillery during the 2nd world war. he told my dad a funny story that happend to him and his friend.

the man was an observer with the German artillery on the Russian front. on day he was giving cordinance for a bombardment on a Russian out post he accidentally gave the wrong ones. he didn't realize until the cannons had started firing.

it turned out that the cordinance were wrong but the artillery strike ended up falling right on a Russian tank division. so all and all it worked out and he was saved from getting in trouble.

the funny part is because of what he and his friend did they were awarded the iron cross.

unfortunately for him he was later taken prisoner by the Russians.

 

[Baloo]

The following is a tale from the summer, once again, from BIQ in Meaford.

To anyone who reads this and was present: I'm sorry, but this story simply cannot be avoided any longer.  ;D

It was lights out in the shacks. The next day, we were going out on the lake for some assault boat training, and it was promising to be a good go. Now, a couple (3...maybe 4, I forget) of the guys decided to screw around, head into Owen Sound or somewhere and have a couple brews, sneak back into the shacks, and simply sleep it off. Well, what actually ended up happening was a little different. They go one of the "scenic" strip joints in the area (in civvies, mind you) and start drinking. And keep drinking. Must have been a good time for them, because they didn't get back oh, until say, 0200, and wasted. But, it doesn't end there.

They get into the room, and the rest of the section is fast asleep. There is this  one guy, who is the main topic of the situation, who decides that where better to take a leak, then on the floor. Right there. In the middle of the room. So he decides to do it. And this isn't a little tinkle, we're talking about here: he's letting out all those beers. It's making a lot of noise apparently, so some of the other guys in the section wake up. To quote some, who saw the event:

"HOLY F***!"

"S***. WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING?"

And, from the obligatory Russian soldier:

"Eet eez like a reever conjonction!" (say it in a Russian accent, to help), surveying the damage.
"To h*** with the lake, we can do the assault boats here!" he adds.

By now, the puddle is growing into a lake, as he describes. It seeps under the door, into the hallway, which is bad enough, then starts into the OTHER PLATOONS ROOM, ACROSS THE HALL. That is how much he was letting loose. And still not done.

While some at this point are still asleep, one guy has the worst go of it. He gets up, not noticing a thing, swings his legs off the bunk, and barefoot, into the p***. The funniest part is, that he did not even notice. He claims at the time, he thought it was water. He goes, still barefoot, to the bathroom, comes back, and goes back to sleep, through all of it. Never even noticed until someone told him.

Meanwhile, the troops are struggling to maintain the swirling rapids. They are out in the hallways, creeping into the other platoon's room to survey, and clean up. All the while, the culprit, is making his way back to bed, to pass out. Did I mention by this point he was naked? If not, he had stripped bare arsed, and was passed out in thirty seconds. The rest of the section cleanred up wonderfully.

The next day, was horrible for those fellows. The lake, the weather, all combined to see them effectively have a horrible, hungover time.


To the one guy who lurks that I know was there: Hey, you knew it was coming!  ;D

 

[Fishbone Jones]

Marine Math

The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor.  During one such battle a ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called legendary Marine Chesty Puller to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.

"How many Chinese are attacking you?" asked Puller.

"Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer.

Puller asked  for another count and got the same answer: "Many, many Chinese!"

"!*#dammit!" swore Puller.  "Put my Marine liaison officer on the radio."
In a minute, an American voice came over the air: "Yes, sir?"

"Lieutenant," growled Chesty, "exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"

"Colonel, we got a whole shitload of Chinese up here!"

"Thank, God!" exclaimed Puller.  "At least there's someone up there who knows
how to count!"