Ten Peeves Dogs Have About Humans

[Celticgirl]

#1 Blaming your farts on me..............not funny.....not funny at all

#2 Yelling at me for barking........I'M A FRIGGIN DOG

#3 Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this, anyway?

#4 Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. STOP IT!

#5 Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

#6 The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. WHOOOOO HOOO what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

#7 Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

#8 Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered the handshake thing yet.

#9 Dog sweaters. HELLO??? Haven't you noticed the fur?

#10 How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

 

[geo]

Heh... excellent post celticgirl!

CHIMO!

 

[xo31@711ret]

Dog thinking: 'You fed me, take me out for a walk, I take a dump, and YOU pick up my crap; now WHO'S the lower life form and pet?'

 

[Journeyman]

Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.

Which is why other dogs think French Poodles belong to some weird religious cult 

 

[SweetNavyJustice]

Lets not fool ourselves as to who rules over who. 

If an outsider was to look in and see the human serving the dogs their food, following behind them when they walk, and then cleaning up their poop - it's easy to see who is whose boss!

I for one, submit and bow down to our furry masters.

 

[simysmom99]

Ah yes, the dogs and cats rule out house! 

 

[geo]

Huh?
They rule the outhouse? 

 

[ENGINEERS WIFE]

*How To Give A Cat A Pill*
>>
>>                **
>>                1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left
>>                arm as if holding
>>                a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
>>                side of cat's
>>                mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
>>                pill in right
>>                hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow
>>                cat to close
>>                mouth and swallow.
>>
>>                2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
>>                Cradle cat in left
>>                arm and repeat process.
>>
>>                3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
>>
>>                4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
>>                holding rear
>>                paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push
>>                pill to back of
>>                mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count
>>                of ten.
>>
>>                5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
>>                wardrobe. Call
>>                spouse from garden.
>>
>>                6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
>>                hold front and
>>                rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse
>>                to hold head
>>                firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into
>>                mouth. Drop pill
>>                down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
>>
>>                7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from
>>                foil wrap. Make
>>                note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
>>                sweep shattered
>>                figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
>>                gluing later.
>>
>>                8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat
>>                with head just
>>                visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
>>                straw, force mouth
>>                open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
>>
>>                9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans,
>>                drink 1 beer to
>>                take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and
>>                remove blood
>>                from carpet with cold water and soap.
>>
>>                10 Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.
>>                Open another beer.
>>                Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, leave
>>                head showing. Force
>>                mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
>>                with elastic band.
>>
>>                11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door
>>                back on hinges.
>>                Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
>>                Apply cold compress
>>                to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
>>                shot. Apply whiskey
>>                compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.
>>                Throw Tee shirt
>>                away and fetch new one from bedroom.
>>
>>                12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from
>>                across the road.
>>                Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
>>                swerving to avoid
>>                cat. Take last pill from foil wrap
>>
>>                13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws
>>                with garden twine and
>>                bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty
>>                pruning gloves from
>>                shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of
>>                filet steak. Be rough
>>                about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water
>>                down throat to wash
>>                pill down.
>>
>>                14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you
>>                to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches
>>                fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
>>                eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
>>
>>                15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and
>>                call local pet shop
>>                to see if they have any hamsters.
>>                *
>>                How To Give A Dog A Pill*
>>
>>                1. Wrap it in bacon.
>>
>>                2. Toss it in the air
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Anyone that has a dog and cats will TOTALY relate  I thought it was quite amusing.

 

[ENGINEERS WIFE]

Dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment: 

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?!

 

[PPCLI Guy]

*How To Give A Cat A Pill*

Oh man - I laughed so hard I cried when I read this.  I have a feral cat called Kutcha - this was definitely written about her

 

[DarkFire]

*How To Give A Cat A Pill*

:rofl: Man I almost died  laughing after reading that.

 

[simysmom99]

How to give a cat a pill.
I'm laughing so hard I am crying and my cube-mates are making sure I am okay.
Geo, the animals do rule the outhouse, and the real house

 

[ex-Sup]

Give the cat a pill...that's hilarious!

In all seriousness, I love my cat but I know that I'd rather give a pill to the dog any day. 

 

[Haggis]

Ah yes, the dogs and cats rule our house! 

Dogs have owners.  Cats have staff.

 

[sober_ruski]

Dogs have owners.  Cats have staff.

Bingo

You simply cannot own a cat. It lets you feed it, clean after itself, and hold it.

 

[KMJAB]

How to giv the kat a bath

Step 1

Thorowly cleen the toylet.

Step 2

Add the requird amount of shampoo to the toylet water and have both lids lifted.

Step 3

Obtain the kat and sooth him wile yu carree him towards the bathroom.

Step 4

In one smooth movement, put the kat in the toylet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out thru the kracks for anything they can find. The kat will self-agitate and make ample suds.

Never mind the noises that come from your toylet, the kat is actually enjoying this.

Step 5

Flush the toylet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I found to be quite effective.

Step 6

Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no humans between the toylet and the outside door.
Stand behind the toylet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids with a broom handle.
The now-cleen kat will rocket out of the toylet and run outside where he will dry himself.




Sinseerli,

The Dawg

 

[soccer girl]

"How to giv the kat a bath". Man that's funny! That's why you get a Tukish Van 'cause they LIKE[ the water. You'd have to drag the thing out of the sink!!!!!!!!!!!! ;D

 

[Yrys]

The now-cleen kat will rocket out of the toylet and run outside where he will dry himself.

... and stay clean 1/4 second

 

[midgetcop]

This is one of my favourites...


EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

 

[ex-Sup]

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Ha! I often wonder what goes through their evil little minds