The White House 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, D.C. ,20016
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of
the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo
Bay, Cuba.
Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was
heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn
that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a
new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the
"Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for
short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have
decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your
personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation,
under heavily armed guard, to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to
be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your
letter of admonishment.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of
care for Ahmed are mensurate with those you so strongly recommended
in your letter.
Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that
your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will
help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in
describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite
you, given the chance.
We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills
at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of
explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish
to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend
him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This
is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to
show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new
dress code that Ahmed will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm
sure they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka -
over time.
Just remind them that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his
religious beliefs" - wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you,
who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job.
You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching.
Good luck!
Cordially...Your Buddy,
Don Rumsfeld