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More and more funnies.. vol: something...

True Story... A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that 6 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too... they were laughing so hard.

 
Along the news anchor lines.....

Here's a video of a CTV anchor misunderstanding the definition of canoodle with the weather girl...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJbo6QcdEdI
 
My boss got a phone call from his girlfriend today, I couldn't help but overhear.  Basically the coles notes version is that she had damaged their comforter in the dryer and wanted to paint their bedroom so that the walls matched the new comforter.
 
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.

I told her "Only you. All the others kept me awake shaggin’ all night !"


My missus packed my bags and as I walked out of the front door she screamed... "I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard!"

"Oh" I replied, "so you want me to friggen stay now!"
 
Rifleman62 said:
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.

I told her "Only you. All the others kept me awake shaggin’ all night !"


My missus packed my bags and as I walked out of the front door she screamed... "I wish you a slow and painful death you *******!"

"Oh" I replied, "so you want me to friggen stay now!"


Awesome... !!!    :rofl:
 
After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into
the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart."
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be fucking stupid. Of course they aren't twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7.  Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam.. I just couldn't believe someone fucked you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."

My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

 
That's a keeper!!!

I wish I had my camera yesterday while out for my noon walk to the waterfront. A cruise ship was in and an elderly couple (mid-late 70s) was approaching me and in big letters, the man's shirt said "I love cats". As he got closer, in smaller print below was "But I can't eat a whole one myself".
 
So true.

KC's Pre-season Game Cancelled On Account Of Owners Being Tremendous Assholes

http://kcnhl.blogspot.com/2012/09/kcs-pre-season-game-cancelled-on.html

The NHL In Kansas City has obtained a copy of the announcement from the NHL:

"The NHL regretfully must cancel the remaining pre-season schedule due to the ongoing issue of our league managers and owners being tremendous assholes. We continue to be open to talks with the Players Association in hopes that they will cave to our incredible assholeness, but we remain committed to our insanely greedy demands that the players agree to roll back the money we already agreed to in existing contracts and tie their salaries to a lower fixed rate of our healthy revenue. We realize those demands are out of touch with reality and the fair market system most businesses are expected to work within, but, again, we are raging assholes.

To our fans in Kansas City, we appreciate your role as a leverage chip that helped the Penguins get a new arena as well as your surprising sell-out of last year's pre-season game, and we were looking forward to throwing you another bone with the Avalanche vs. Rangers match-up originally scheduled for October 6. Unfortunately, we are hot, steaming assholes."
 
jollyjacktar said:
After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into
the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart."
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be ******* stupid. Of course they aren't twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7.  Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam.. I just couldn't believe someone ****ed you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."

My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
OUTSTANDING!!!

My contribution:
This letter was sent to the School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Lions Bay School,


God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to f**k off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,


Edna
 
From my wife this morning after reading the "paper":


"There's a whole lot of nothing in that paper"

;D
 
Radio personalities prank Harper with stunt phone call
By: Peter Rakobowchuk, The Canadian Press ONLINE EDITION 09/28/2012
Article Link

MONTREAL - A pair of well-known radio pranksters managed to dupe Prime Minister Stephen Harper into having a five- to 10-minute conversation where he offered political advice.

Harper thought he was chatting with Quebec politician Francois Legault in a French-language conversation to be aired Monday.

The prime minister congratulated the third-party leader for fighting the new Parti Quebecois government's plan to increase taxes on high income-earners while, at the same time, he cautioned against toppling the minority government too fast.

Quebec's so-called Masked Avengers say they got the prime minister on the phone Thursday while he was in New York City to receive an award for international statesmanship.

They say they did it by posing as the Coalition party leader, Legault, and pretending not only to be seeking Harper's advice but also to be offering congratulations on the award.

The comedy duo said it's grateful to the United Nations for its very successful week.

First, officials at the global body put them through to secretary-general Ban-Ki Moon in a stunt Wednesday that aired the following day. Next, they gave the duo phone numbers that they used to track down the prime minister.

"It was really thanks to the United Nations. It's fun to have an organization like that, which really lends a hand to Quebec comedians," said Marc-Antoine Audette, one member of the pair, in an interview Friday.

"(They) gave us a lot of direct numbers to Ottawa, and to the Conservative party and to the government in general."

The jokesters weren't satisfied with merely pranking two famous leaders. They also tried pulling a fast one on the entire UN, by fibbing to officials that the contact information for the Government of Canada had changed. They gave them their own numbers as a replacement.

"So for about an hour or two hours on Wednesday, if there had been any problems at the UN — they would have called us, not Stephen Harper," Audette said.

Fortunately, there was no diplomatic incident.

But they did get Harper on the phone Thursday.

They chatted with Harper staffers about the recent Quebec election and said they wanted the prime minister's advice on dealing with the province's new minority government. Harper's staffers were, according to Audette, relatively blunt while discussing the Parti Quebecois.

But he said the prime minister, who is generally cautious in his public statements and was especially careful not to comment at all on Quebec politics during the recent election, was more diplomatic.

An official in Ottawa confirmed the gist of the conversation. Pretending to be Legault, the prankster apparently suggested that he planned to take down the PQ minority government as quickly as possible.

Harper urged him to be patient.
More on link
 
My First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Onoroto's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the shit out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to figure out
 
GAP said:
Radio personalities prank Harper with stunt phone call
By: Peter Rakobowchuk, The Canadian Press ONLINE EDITION 09/28/2012
Article Link

Am I the only one who doesn't find these types of things funny at all? :/
 
A story told through road signs.  Someone has too much time on their hands!
 
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  +10 to the Honda rider.  :nod:


Yet more evidence (pay attention kids!!)...that condoms prevent mini-vans!
 
WOMEN

      A real woman is a man's best friend.
      She will never stand him up and never let him down.
      She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
      She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
    She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
      She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
    handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...



      No wait...Sorry.


      I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit.


      Never mind.
 
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