Having a tough go at this

[Anny]

My husband has been away for 9 months now and I'm really having a tough time with this.  He has another 6 or 7 months to go and I'm starting to go seriously bonkers.  We live off base and I can't find a sitter to give me a break.  I can't access on base respite because I don't drive.  I'm really suffering and can't get emergency respite and don't know what to do. 

I've contacted the Padre who wasn't able to help much (he tried but he's new to the city) and I've checked out the churches in my area but the congregations were small and elderly (ie not babysitting age).  I've also contacted local community centres and schools, with no luck.

I work fulltime and have a minor disability that flares up when I'm under stress, and of course it's flared up so that stresses me even more.

It's to the point I'm worried I may lash out at my children if I don't get some help.  My doctor checked me out for depression, and I'm not depressed, just frustrated as all hell about the lack of support.

I'm feeling very isolated and very desperate here and would love to get some advice.  I've tried to tough it out but after nine months I'm starting to crack under the pressure.  I imagine someone here has been in the same situation?

 

[navymich]

Anny,

A few questions first, just to get some more info on your current situation and status.  Where is your husband currently at and what is he doing?  Where do you live, and what is your closest base?  Have you contacted your local MFRC about your situation to see if they can help you? 

You say that you work fulltime but don't drive.  How do you get back and forth to work, is there a way that this could coordinate with your respite care or help from MFRC?  How old are your children, and who is looking after them while you are at work, would they be able to help in other times?

Please Anny, call or visit your padre and MFRC.  Explain your situation as you have explained it to us and ask them for help.  They can at least provide a shoulder and an ear for you to get you started on your way through all of this.

 

[dapaterson]

I'll just reiterate what airmich said.  If you need help finding contact information for your local MFRC, let me know and I'll find it for you.

 

[Anny]

Hi airmitch, Thanks for the fast reply and the options you asked about/suggested.  I'll answer your questions.

My husband is on tour.  He was training at another base preparing for the deployment, so this is why he has already been away so long even though his tour just started. 

We live in Winnipeg and our closest MFRC is Winnipeg.  I have phoned, begging for help and they can't do anything because "it's a budget issue" (when I ask for emergency respite because I'm freaking out and worried I will harm my children).

I have contacted the Padre on base and he wasn't able to help me much.  He tried but I guess there's nothing he can do for me.  He did listen, which helped to have that listening ear you mentioned, but what I really need is a break so I can go get my hair cut or go shopping without my children with me all the time.  It's to the point that, although I love my kids, I am starting to resent having no break from them.

I walk to work, and on bad days when I'm unable to walk, I take the bus.  I chose my work and my children's daycare based on proximity to my house, because I am unable to drive.

Unfortunately the daycare is only open M-F days and I work M-F days so I can't get a break in the evenings or on weekends for any "me" time.  I can't find a sitter, I've been looking for over two years now.  The MFRC has no sitters in my neighbourhood because I live off base.

I'm tired of asking for help and tired of feeling like I'm being a whiney baby.  If I had a solution I would do it, but unfortunately I don't, and anyone I ask also doesn't have that magic solution for me either.  I'm hoping someone reads this who has been in a similiar circumstance and is able to give me some options I haven't thought of, so I appreciate any comments as long as they aren't mean.

 

[mariomike]

I'm freaking out and worried I will harm my children).

Please don't that.

 

[FDO]

Have you tried getting ah old of the Regiment or section he works for. I don't know about the Army but usually when a ship sails on a long deployment the Spouses left behind form a "network" What this does is it gives them some help from others in the same situation. When I deployed the CO's and Cox'n's wife formed the "network". One of the things they did was arrange to have kids dropped off in the evening or on a Saturday to one house so the rest could go out. For example, 4 wives would form a group. One Saturday a month for 4 or 5 hours 3 of the wives would drop their kids off at my house. Next Saturday they would drop the kids off at someone elses house along with my kids. This gave my wife 3 Saturdays a month to do shopping, hair, nails whatever she needed to do. Also they had a network of babysitters. Some of the families had kids of babysitting age. They had the MFRC run a babysitting course and presto a babysitter network. As a group the CO's wife organized a Christmas party for the kids as we were away for Christmas. I'm sure the Padre can help with this and it wouldn't cost the MFRC any money. Which, by the way, I find is a BS excuse!! I'm pretty sure you are NOT the only one in this situation in Winterpeg!

By the way my wife is in the Navy as well so I too know what it's like to be alone with the kids. Sometimes I'm really surprised they made it through puberty!!!

Good luck and I hope it all works out.

 

[RubberTree]

Anny,
How old are your kids? How many?

    First, there is nothing wrong with feeling overwhelmed, upset or tired. In fact, I would expect it from a temporarily single parent working a full time job and trying to balance life and kids and their own health issues. Its hard...damn hard and any person that has done the same will agree with me. Don't start putting yourself down, berating yourself or calling yourself a "whiny baby" because of how you are feeling or handling the situation. Everyone needs time for themselves, parents included. How you are feeling is not inappropriate.

    Second, you've taken the all important first step and recognized that you need help. That's fantastic. Its unfortunate that the local churches can't seem to help with a sitter but there must be someone in the neighbourhood who has kids of an appropriate babysitting age. I don't think there is anything wrong with knocking on a few doors and asking. I'd also suggest knocking on the potential sitter's next door neighbour's door just to make sure the family/potential sitter has a decent reputation. I can't imagine any parent would begrudge another parent for doing a little "background" checking. If that fails you can always check out the local classifieds, craigslist or kijiji for babysitters, although a thorough interview is obviously a must.

    Third, if you reach the point where you just can't take it and think you are going to harm yourself or your children, send them to a friend's or neighbour's house, call yourself a cab and go to the Emergency room at the hospital. There are people there that can help you. Not just with how you are feeling but also social workers who know the system and know how and more importantly where to find help.

    This isn't a hopeless situation Anny although I feel like you believe it is sometimes. There is help out there.


(Edited for clarity in formatting)

 

[beach_bum]

Hi Anny,

Have you phoned the Deployment Support Group?  The phone number is 1-888-711-5533. Give them a call.

 

[exgunnertdo]

Anny - I know how you feel.  Hubby is due back in two weeks and I have grown to hate having to drag the kids everywhere just to get errands done. 

I found a website - www.canadiansitter.ca  There is a registration fee (I think it was $40 for 3 months) and sitters (over 18) list themselves by area.  You can post a specific job and it gets emailed to all of the sitters in the city.  I just checked and there are 52 sitters listed in Winnipeg.  Not a huge number, but it's a start.  They charge a bit more than your neighbourhood teenager, but they often have their own car, or are able to get to you by transit.  I've found a couple of really good sitters using that site (but I'm in Ottawa, so that doesn't help you!).

Hope that helps!

 

[Lil_T]

+1 exgunner  I've been in the same situation and canadiansitter.ca is really good, I'm also going to suggest daycarebear.ca.  Also, are your kids in a home daycare or a centre?  If a centre - do the 'teachers' do any babysitting on the side? My daycare provider's daughter babysits for us on occasion.  I really hope you find the help you're looking for - being cooped up all the time is maddening.

One more thing - I'm also going to suggest maybe trying to join a meetup group of moms - just for some added adult conversation.  When we moved to Ottawa I knew no one.  But I made a ton of friends by joining mom's groups and stuff like that just to get more social.  any little bit helps

 

[TweeterandtheMonkeyMan]

"We live in Winnipeg and our closest MFRC is Winnipeg. "

That says it all right there.  Worst posting my wife ever experienced because of a snotty social worker and her boss who she has twisted around her pinky and god knows what else.  Shitty thing is I'm back there for a course and from what I hear nothing has improved.  I would probably be forced to VR if I received another posting there.  Either that or my wife would VR me!

 

[Cpl4Life]

Anny I'm not sure what base you are at, but if you're at your wits end send emails so you have something in writing and stress how stressed out you are.  My wife had to get to the point she was afraid of herself because every morning our youngest would give her a hard time.

My wife had a really tough time with me being on 3's then 5's then 6's with just a few month in between each, with the birth of our youngest while I was on my 5's.  Then I was sent on tour with training in another province, which put me away from my family for another 12 months.

During this 12 months, my wife had to take both kids to daycare then get to work every morning on her own.  My wife would have our 2 yr old dressed with enough time to get to work then would freak out and change their minds and wanted a different outfit on.... my wife would stuff them in a carseat, kicking and screaming about their clothes or whatever (with my wife in tears) just to get to work on time.  My wife said this happened more days than not.  My wife is young and healthy, but her blood pressure was sky high, to the point her doctor told her if it didn't go down soon she would be put on meds.

The a-holes at the mfrc my wife begged for emergency respite told her to get a sitter, something my wife had been trying for a long time to get (even asked the MFRC if they had any sitters who would be able to help).

It got to the point that my wife had to be VERY clear that if she did not get the emergency respite she had been requesting and if anything happened to her children because of the stress she was under she show the media the emails she had sent asking for help.  Thank God she got respite that very evening.

If you need someone to talk with, my wife said she would be happy to help you out any way she can.  I'll pm you her email address and our phone number.

 

[Kat Stevens]

So your solution is to add a CPS investigation, and possible removal of her children, to the list of stressors already piled up on this person?  Helluv an idea.

 

[mariomike]

So your solution is to add a CPS investigation, and possible removal of her children, to the list of stressors already piled up on this person? 

No.
I would however caution anyone dealing with professionals who operate under The Child and Family Services Act to be careful in their choice of words. That would include MFRC. Professionals have a "duty to report":
It's not the same thing as chatting with strangers online.
Not sure who "CPS" is? In Ontario, it's the Children's Aid Society.

 

[Kat Stevens]

No.
I would however caution anyone dealing with professionals who operate under The Child and Family Services Act to be careful in their choice of words. That would include MFRC. Professionals have a "duty to report".  It's not the same thing as chatting with strangers online.

This is twice you've done a ninja edit to try and leg me up, knock it off.  Perhaps if, wild idea I know, those coffee swilling cubicle rats the Military Family (lack of) Resource Centre would actually do their jobs, which is to support the families of deployed troops, this wouldn't be an issue.  The idea of the MFRCs was a good one at the beginning, but it experienced some days where it got to the point that deployed unit rear parties would order their families to contact rear party directly rather than bother with the FRC.  They got some credibility back in the late 90s early 00s, but apparently they have backslid again.

 

[mariomike]

This is twice you've done a ninja edit to try and leg me up, knock it off. 

Hello Kat:
I re-worded my original post because you seemed a little bit offended. That's all.

 

[Anny]

A few days ago, after trying to be patient and wait for a sitter, I realized I was at my wits end, so I contacted CFS and they had a respite worker out THAT SAME DAY.

Sadly I agree with Kat, the FRC, and the military has been almost non-existant when it comes to supporting me.  I think it's shameful I had to go to CFS for the support that the military should be providing when the need was as great as it was with me.

Thank you to the ladies who suggested the babysitting website, I contacted a few sitters, but the two babysitters that I have met so far I wouldn't leave my child with for a variety of reasons, but it hasn't turned me off the site, I'm still searching and hope to find someone soon.

 

[navymich]

Anny, it is good to hear from you and I am happy that you were able to get help from CFS.  Do they have any leads on sitters or other care?  How often are you able to use them for respite care?  Best of luck with the sitter site, I hope it works out for you.

In the meantime, stay strong and take things day by day or even minute by minute.  You can get through this, and hopefully some posting on the boards here will help you get through the dark.