Shrine of the Mall Ninja

[Michael OLeary]

Shrine of the Mall Ninja

The Mall Ninja is easily distinguished by an abundance of “tactical” gear, such as fatigues, a thigh holster (with, of course, a Glock), combat boots, bandolier and other accouterments that you’d usually only see on a SWAT operative. Median age is usually 19-25, and they tend to boast about their various exploits with certain Special Forces units, all of which they’re too young and idiotic to have joined (real Special Forces types don’t brag). They typically have opinions on everything, regardless of expertise, they are uniformly poor shots, and they tend to exhibit a frightening lack of safety training.

 

[George Wallace]

Thank all the lucky stars, that character never made it here under that name.  We did have a few of his 'friends' and 'relatives' visit though.   :

 

[benny88]

That's actually painful to read, yet I cannot look away...

 

[xo31@711ret]

Wow....just..wow.... :-X

Is this a script for a Jim Carry black comedy movie or what??

 

[medaid]

The funny thing is... it's all true 

 

[Good2Golf]

That's actually painful to read, yet I cannot look away...

Nor I......I think I did the equivalent of 2,000 sit-ups LMAO....

 

[RobJackson28]

It's a shame we don't have such heroic individuals keeping our shopping malls safe.  :

 

[Yrys]

Ireally liked the mod reply at the end. He seems a sharp fellow, communicating in their language .

 

[Haggis]

It would've been less stressful to drive to work in freezing rain that read that work of pharmaceutically induced fiction.

 

[karl28]

Some People have way to much free time on there hands .

 

[Greymatters]

"Same with those mindless teenyboppers who go to the Hickory Farms store, and then take double samples of fruitcake and cheeselog, you warn them that they will be charged with a felony(grand theft), and that if they attempt to fight and run, they will be, unfortunately, first tazered, and if they continue to resist violently with intent to maim, then wounded."

That was it. I couldnt help laughing out loud...

 

[helpup]

This quote had me falling out of my chair,
"BTW A one time experiementation while in the military, does not make one a homosexual"

VERY entertaining. 

Mind you I am glad the tolerance level of the Mods here are a tad more lower.

 

[Haggis]

Mind you I am glad the tolerance level of the Mods here are a tad more lower.

If you read the last post, you'll quickly see that the mods are part of THEM!!  How else would Gecko45 recognize the secret code?

 

[helpup]

I read it and didnt want to point that out.  In case I blow someones cover    :-\

 

[Thorvald]

Good god, someone call the producers of "American Ninja", "Cable Guy" or something along those line and tell them you have an excellent idea for a script...  "Mall Security - Protecting America while you shop".

I need another coffee after readying that...

Cheers


Edit: Wait, it gets better than that, they still have the archive of the original website that called these guys out... read over lunch for a laugh http://web.archive.org/web/20030401160201/www.mallninja.com/agents.htm

 

[Bomber]

He said they had "army surplus Shrikes" for more hardened targets than gang bangers.  What kind of mall is this?

 

[Haggis]

He said they had "army surplus Shrikes" for more hardened targets than gang bangers.  What kind of mall is this?

A fairly big mall, obviously.

 

[Eye In The Sky]

I am not a ninja, merely a student of the art of Ninjitsu, and I prefer not to have status such as “Ninja” laid upon me, for as yet I am unworthy of the title. I will be completing my ninjisu training in a little over 8 months, and then I will be a Master of Ninjitsu, a true “Ninja”. But it is not my martial arts skills that make me so vital to the security of the mall, it is my tactical and strategic skills honed by years of intens on-site on the job training. My weapons skills are the envy of the squad, and I think that with my expertise I ought to be able to choose an effective and reliab;e weapon for CQC and urban combat, whicch is why I chose SW, the MP5’s are junk comparatively.

Oh my sides!  BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!

This is absolutely awesome.  I want some of the special boots for wall climbing!

We have a name for guys like you in the “industry”: fecal-freaks. One time I had to do an dynamic entry on the ladies bathroom, because some freak had snuck in there and was trying to smear excrement on one of the lady patrons.

You are a doofus, of course there is no anti-armor capabilities for golf carts, the UNIMOG was woth the anti-armor work though. We would never consider using any missles larger than our modified surplus Shrikes, Hellfires are completly out of the question. also, ourgolf carts are modified, and can take abouse alot tougher than golf balls..

Please...please...make it stop.  Have mercy for the love of God!  I am going to fall off my chair if I read this again, I swear.

 

[Bane]

It sounds like the mall he is guarding is in late 1942 Stalingrad for all the action this guy sees.

 

[JesseWZ]

Gangbangers, neonazi's, it reminds me of my stint as a lifeguard back at the good old YMCA, of course we weren't allowed to carry mossburgs, just .22's. I guarded that life something fierce.  ;D