A Field Guide to Internet Posers

[Michael OLeary]

A Field Guide to Internet Posers

Beyond the Nigerian princes, lonely Russian maidens and undercover FBI agents lies a whole world of lesser-known Internet fakers and poseurs. Leaving behind their uninteresting lives as Wal-mart greeters and unemployed fanfic writers, these people turn to the Internet as an everlasting source of love, acceptance and admiration. Such as…

1. The Mall Ninja

Otherwise known as the military poseur or phony soldier, this guy will endlessly talk up his toughness and experience in the battlefield, when in fact his only real experience in the ‘field’ involves the one he panted his way through while on the losing side of a woodland Airsoft battle. The mall ninja either brags outright about his heroism, or drops hints that he thinks make him sound like a more hardcore version of that guy from Taken. Unfortunately for him, his lack of either research skills or restraint makes it obvious to anyone with a clue that he is really just a lonely dude who owns way too much camo gear.

Usually, his stories include military experience, but the mall ninja is far too hardcore to admit that his job involved fixing lame trucks or flying boring planes. Instead, he will claim that he was a Navy SEAL who was in hand-to-hand combat with Osama bin Laden. A typical story told on an internet forum might go like this:

So then my sergeant told me to run after the cars with the terrorists in them and I was like “Yes, sir!” and I totally sprayed the place with my M16. I must have fired off like a thousand f**king rounds. Two of the cars f**king exploded. Then I noticed I had shot a hole in the fuel tank and fuel was leaking all over the ground. I fired off a bullet at the closest puddle of oil and BAM! The third car EXPLODES. I just walked away without even f**king looking back.

A good rule of thumb to follow is that the more amazing combat stories someone tells on the Internet about his Special Forces days, the more likely it is that he spent his time in the military reshelving bathroom supplies in Guam.

Not all mall ninjas limit their experience to the military, though. Some simply project the idea of living in a dangerous parallel universe where everyone in the world is out to kill them, but where luckily they also have the strength and powers of Batman. For example:

So last night I was doing the closing shift at Quiznos when this guy comes in with a pair of nunchucks and starts holding up the place. Of course everyone else is screaming and panicking. So I jumped up and did a flying roundhouse kick right over the f**king counter into his face. Then I pulled out my Desert Eagle that I keep as my backup work gun (the bigger ones I keep at home) and totally pinned the guy and fired a warning shot over his shoulder. The guy f**king pisses himself and lies there until the cops come!

Later one of his friends tried to stab me in the alley as I was walking home but luckily I had my body armor on.

 

[Oh No a Canadian]

I remember some guy on a video game forum who said he served as a sniper in Afghanistan (or Iraq, I forget) and that he used an AK-47 as his 'secondary weapon.' He said he used the AK because 'the US only wants to injure people with "5.56" so he uses "7.62" (paraphrasing but it was quite close to that). He than went on to say that another reason he uses "7.62" is because he can use the same ammo in his M40 as his AK. The sad part is I was the only one who questioned him on the subject, a USMC member who was on the board had to call his friend (supposedly a sniper) to find out that the ammunition sharing idea would not work.

 

[2 Cdo]

What possesses the average mall ninja to fabricate such obvious nonsense. Is their life not quite fulfilling enough with the double shift at the mall and mom packing his lunch for him in his A-Team lunchpail?

Have met several on other forums who usually disappear after being confronted and having them exposed as the poseurs they are.

 

[ArmyRick]

Whats even sadder is when untrained troops pass themselves off as JTF2 or CSOR. One of these bozos put on the "I can't tell you what I do in the military but just know I work out of Dwyer Hill....(insert more BS)" to one of the trained NCOs in our unit without realizing who he was.

Next day at roll call, said NCO talked to me about "wonder boy JTF2 wanna be" and sure enough he was standing on the parade square, with his aircast back on, missing yet another PT session and yet delaying for another month his return to DP1 Infantry training.

Oh the sweet irony of it all after we confronted said bozo...WHo BTW is now a civy (Voluntary released after his third attempt at DP1)

 

[bdave]

Whats even sadder is when untrained troops pass themselves off as JTF2 or CSOR. One of these bozos put on the "I can't tell you what I do in the military but just know I work out of Dwyer Hill....(insert more BS)" to one of the trained NCOs in our unit without realizing who he was.

I don't get this.
Did he not know the person in question was an NCO, or what?

 

[CEEBEE501]

Haha any one here remember that fellow who was posting on some call of duty site, or something along those lines, and claimed to be a  Lieutenant Corporal who had server in Afghanistan and used a picture of one of the fallen Canadians saying it was himself

 

[ArmyRick]

bdave. no he did not.